“KNOCK KNOCK!”
“Who’s there?”
“GOD!”
"Oh, oh. God who?”
“GOD WHO? WHAT DO YOU MEAN GOD WHO? HOW MANY OTHER GODS DO YOU KNOW?”
“You’ve got a point there. Well, you sound like God and you talk like god. Maybe you really are God."
“I CAN’T BELIEVE WE’RE HAVING THIS CONVERSATION.”
“I hope you’re not still mad at me about not believing in you. I never believed in you because I didn’t think you were real. But having you knock on the door changes everything.”
“LOOK YOU’RE EMBARRASSING ME AND PROBABLY YOURSELF ALSO.”
“Well how many people do you know that get a personal visit from God? Not very many. Already I can’t tell anybody who visited me this afternoon. I’ve got to keep it secret. People would think I was crazy,”
A lot of people believe in god, but many don’t think he’s very dependable. Others think that prayers will be answered in the order received. Others say God helps those who help themselves. But the point is you can’t ask for something and get it just like that.. God moves on his own timetable, not the other way around.. Ask for something this morning, you might get it this afternoon, but you know it’ll probably be Tuesday or Wednesday next week before he gets around to it. Some people get tired of waiting and just go ahead and help themselves, which is probably a good time and labor saving device on a global scale. But what about sporting events like the Super Bowl where there are millions of fans on each side hoping their team will win? How does God decide? Does he let the team with the most prayers win? Or does he have a secret agenda? Does God have a favorite football team himself?
“God, you’ve got to help me answer some of these questions that have been driving me crazy for years. God? Please answer me? Oh God? ....GOD?...”
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
Monday, November 30, 2009
RITE AID DRUGS TO OPEN NEW STORES
RITE AID DRUGSTORES, originally located in Scranton, Pennsylvania began
as a single store. In 1996 it acquired the vast west coast based Thrifty Drug Store chain of over 1000 stores, It became one of the three largest drug store chains in the United States, possibly the world. This resulted in two things. Items that previously cost $1.00 in the Thrifty chain now cost over two dollars. The other innovation, since Rite Aid spans both coasts, an item stolen in a store in Los Angeles can be returned for store credit in any Rite Aid stores from California to New England..
Consequently, now Rite Aid Drugs has decided to diversify, so a large number of spin-off stores and subsidiaries have sprung up that bear some resemblance to Rite Aid marketing and promotional practices, yet specialize in a certain field with a targeted audience.
Of course the first and most obvious spin-off is going to be a chain of stores specializing in doctor’s supplies and surgical equipment. It’s going to be called FIRST AID.
A second spin-off is a chain of stores specializing in band instruments, uniforms, accessories and supplies for High School and College Marching Bands. It’s going to be called BAND AID, and it is projected to be hugely successful.
Another subsidiary is going to specialize solely in Hip Hop items, clothes, fashions, shoes, posters, CD’s, and DVD’s. It’s going to be known as KOOL AID.
Another store targets Candy-Stripers, adolescent teen age girls volunteering their time studying to be nurses. It will be called, what else?—NURSES AID..
Another specializes exclusively in equipment and supplies for Jails, Prisons, and Penitentiaries, the Inmates ,Guards, and Staff. It’s going to be called STOCKADE!
Children’s toys for pre-school toddlers: BLOCKADE.
And last but not least, a chain of stores specializing in the Occult, Wicca, and Botanica. Supplies and Appurtenances for Magick Rituals and Ceremonies, Spells, Potions, and Candle Burning.. Of course, it’s going to be called RITE AID!
as a single store. In 1996 it acquired the vast west coast based Thrifty Drug Store chain of over 1000 stores, It became one of the three largest drug store chains in the United States, possibly the world. This resulted in two things. Items that previously cost $1.00 in the Thrifty chain now cost over two dollars. The other innovation, since Rite Aid spans both coasts, an item stolen in a store in Los Angeles can be returned for store credit in any Rite Aid stores from California to New England..
Consequently, now Rite Aid Drugs has decided to diversify, so a large number of spin-off stores and subsidiaries have sprung up that bear some resemblance to Rite Aid marketing and promotional practices, yet specialize in a certain field with a targeted audience.
Of course the first and most obvious spin-off is going to be a chain of stores specializing in doctor’s supplies and surgical equipment. It’s going to be called FIRST AID.
A second spin-off is a chain of stores specializing in band instruments, uniforms, accessories and supplies for High School and College Marching Bands. It’s going to be called BAND AID, and it is projected to be hugely successful.
Another subsidiary is going to specialize solely in Hip Hop items, clothes, fashions, shoes, posters, CD’s, and DVD’s. It’s going to be known as KOOL AID.
Another store targets Candy-Stripers, adolescent teen age girls volunteering their time studying to be nurses. It will be called, what else?—NURSES AID..
Another specializes exclusively in equipment and supplies for Jails, Prisons, and Penitentiaries, the Inmates ,Guards, and Staff. It’s going to be called STOCKADE!
Children’s toys for pre-school toddlers: BLOCKADE.
And last but not least, a chain of stores specializing in the Occult, Wicca, and Botanica. Supplies and Appurtenances for Magick Rituals and Ceremonies, Spells, Potions, and Candle Burning.. Of course, it’s going to be called RITE AID!
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
ANNIE: LAST NAME WILL DO
Here is a list of possible last names for Annie:
LAST NAME:
(WHOLE NAME:)
1. Get-Your-Gun
(Annie Get-Your-Gun)
2. Time-You’re-Feelin’-Lonely
(Annie Time-Your-Feelin’-Lonely)
3. One-For-Tennis?
(Annie One-For-Tennis)
4. Went-Wee-Wee-Wee-All-The-Way-Home
(Annie Went-Wee-Wee-Wee-All-The-Way-Home)
5. Thing-You-Can-Do-I-Can-Do-Better
(Annie Thing-You-Can-Do-I-Can-Do-Better)
6. Body-Seen-My-Gal?
(Annie Body-Seen-My-Gal?)
7. For-Effort
(Annie For-Effort)
8. Bone-Is-Connected-To-The-Thigh-Bone
(Annie Bone-Is-Connected-To-The-Thigh-Bone)
9. For-An-Eye-And-A-Tooth-For-A-Tooth
(Annie For-An-Eye-And-A-Tooth-For-A-Tooth)
10.Saw-Mommy-Kissing-Santa-Claus
(Annie Saw-Mommy-Kissimg-Santa-Claus)
11.Suggestions-How-To-End-This-Piece?
(Annie Suggestions-How-To-End-This-Piece?)
LAST NAME:
(WHOLE NAME:)
1. Get-Your-Gun
(Annie Get-Your-Gun)
2. Time-You’re-Feelin’-Lonely
(Annie Time-Your-Feelin’-Lonely)
3. One-For-Tennis?
(Annie One-For-Tennis)
4. Went-Wee-Wee-Wee-All-The-Way-Home
(Annie Went-Wee-Wee-Wee-All-The-Way-Home)
5. Thing-You-Can-Do-I-Can-Do-Better
(Annie Thing-You-Can-Do-I-Can-Do-Better)
6. Body-Seen-My-Gal?
(Annie Body-Seen-My-Gal?)
7. For-Effort
(Annie For-Effort)
8. Bone-Is-Connected-To-The-Thigh-Bone
(Annie Bone-Is-Connected-To-The-Thigh-Bone)
9. For-An-Eye-And-A-Tooth-For-A-Tooth
(Annie For-An-Eye-And-A-Tooth-For-A-Tooth)
10.Saw-Mommy-Kissing-Santa-Claus
(Annie Saw-Mommy-Kissimg-Santa-Claus)
11.Suggestions-How-To-End-This-Piece?
(Annie Suggestions-How-To-End-This-Piece?)
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
HETEROPHOBIA
I admit sometimes I suffer from heterophobia.
Don’t get me wrong. I haven’t got anything against straight people. Some of my best friends are straight..
I realize a lot of them are very talented writers and musicians—even stand up comedians.
Still I wouldn’t want my lesbian daughter to go out with one.
I might even be seen in public with one. But I admit if I introduced him to one of my friends, I might say, “This is John.” Then behind his back I would point to him and whisper “He’s Straight.”
After all, I don’t want people to think that I’m straight!
It wouldn’t be so bad but all they talk about is sex. What they’re going to do to what body part with what body part. Like the only thing in the world was heterosexual sex. As if the sun rose and set on their reproductive organs.
And what the men say they’re going to do to the other men. And you know they don’t mean it.
Still I think that straight people and gay people should be able to sit down at the same table and have dinner.
Whenever there is a group of people that doesn’t include at least one gay person, it seems to me like there is a spirit missing.
###
Don’t get me wrong. I haven’t got anything against straight people. Some of my best friends are straight..
I realize a lot of them are very talented writers and musicians—even stand up comedians.
Still I wouldn’t want my lesbian daughter to go out with one.
I might even be seen in public with one. But I admit if I introduced him to one of my friends, I might say, “This is John.” Then behind his back I would point to him and whisper “He’s Straight.”
After all, I don’t want people to think that I’m straight!
It wouldn’t be so bad but all they talk about is sex. What they’re going to do to what body part with what body part. Like the only thing in the world was heterosexual sex. As if the sun rose and set on their reproductive organs.
And what the men say they’re going to do to the other men. And you know they don’t mean it.
Still I think that straight people and gay people should be able to sit down at the same table and have dinner.
Whenever there is a group of people that doesn’t include at least one gay person, it seems to me like there is a spirit missing.
###
Assorted Bits
Studied Christianity in the Spanish language. Jesu Christi. Anno Nuevo. Couldn’t understand the language. Thought Dios meant the Devil. I thought “Vaya Con Dios” meant “May the Devil walk with you forever.”
When I finally found out that Dios meant God, I said, “Oh no. That changes everything. I wish I’d found out sooner. I suppose next they will want us to stop preying on people, too.”
ERECTION
Erection is a Japanese election, right?
When he found out he was going to lose his erection, he withdrew from the ballot.
The night we erected a rectum, we found out we had an asshole for a president.
NO WAY, JOSE
“Jose, can you see by the dawn’s early light?”
“I don’t know. I’ve never been up that early.”
“Jose, can you see by the dawn’s early light?”
“I couldn’t see anything. I got up too early and it was too damn dark to see. So I went back to sleep.”
“Jose, can you see by the dawn’s early light?”
“No.”
“Can you see me now?”
“No..”
“Can you see me now?”
“Yes.”
“What can you see?”
“The ball game.”
###
She said I was losing my patience. I said, “I’m not allowed to have any patients. I don’t have a doctor’s license.”
###
No matter what people say, I know that every black person has a white soul. In fact they’ve got two of them. Did you ever look at the bottoms of their feet?
###
When I finally found out that Dios meant God, I said, “Oh no. That changes everything. I wish I’d found out sooner. I suppose next they will want us to stop preying on people, too.”
ERECTION
Erection is a Japanese election, right?
When he found out he was going to lose his erection, he withdrew from the ballot.
The night we erected a rectum, we found out we had an asshole for a president.
NO WAY, JOSE
“Jose, can you see by the dawn’s early light?”
“I don’t know. I’ve never been up that early.”
“Jose, can you see by the dawn’s early light?”
“I couldn’t see anything. I got up too early and it was too damn dark to see. So I went back to sleep.”
“Jose, can you see by the dawn’s early light?”
“No.”
“Can you see me now?”
“No..”
“Can you see me now?”
“Yes.”
“What can you see?”
“The ball game.”
###
She said I was losing my patience. I said, “I’m not allowed to have any patients. I don’t have a doctor’s license.”
###
No matter what people say, I know that every black person has a white soul. In fact they’ve got two of them. Did you ever look at the bottoms of their feet?
###
SATANISM
Before we begin let me make a disclaimer. Satan does not actually exist. It’s merely an abstract concept and has no existence as an individual being.
And let’s clear this up right at the beginning, too. I have never sold my soul to the devil. Although it’s true I used to rent it out on weekends.
Actually I had the contract all drawn up and I was getting time payments on it each month until they defaulted on their payments. So I had to foreclose on the deal and repossess my own soul.
The Soul—that’s something else that might not exist. It doesn’t weigh anything. You can’t see it, hear it, touch it. feel it, smell it. It only becomes active after you’re dead and there’s no way to prove that one way or the other. It’s just a scam created by the Catholic Church to keep their congregation in line. It’s not worth anything.
In fact if you meet somebody who wants you to sell them your soul, put them in touch with me. I’ve got a bridge they might also be interested in buying.
Actually I met Satan. He was in the parking lot. I walked up to him. I said, “Hey, you’re just an ordinary human being.”
He said, “I know. It’s my nickname. I’ve had it since high school.”
In Satanism everything is called by its opposite. When I say “I hate you” it means “I love you”. When I say “I love you” it means “I hate you.”
One day a Christian friend of mine came to visit. She said, “Praise the Lord!”
I said, “Forgive her, Holy Satan, she doesn’t mean what she says.”
She said, “Bless you, Jesus.”
I said, “Forgive her, Holy Satan. She doesn’t know what she is saying.”
Finally I couldn’t stand it any longer. I lost my temper and yelled at her, “GOD BLESS YOU. GO TO HEAVEN!”
And let’s clear this up right at the beginning, too. I have never sold my soul to the devil. Although it’s true I used to rent it out on weekends.
Actually I had the contract all drawn up and I was getting time payments on it each month until they defaulted on their payments. So I had to foreclose on the deal and repossess my own soul.
The Soul—that’s something else that might not exist. It doesn’t weigh anything. You can’t see it, hear it, touch it. feel it, smell it. It only becomes active after you’re dead and there’s no way to prove that one way or the other. It’s just a scam created by the Catholic Church to keep their congregation in line. It’s not worth anything.
In fact if you meet somebody who wants you to sell them your soul, put them in touch with me. I’ve got a bridge they might also be interested in buying.
Actually I met Satan. He was in the parking lot. I walked up to him. I said, “Hey, you’re just an ordinary human being.”
He said, “I know. It’s my nickname. I’ve had it since high school.”
In Satanism everything is called by its opposite. When I say “I hate you” it means “I love you”. When I say “I love you” it means “I hate you.”
One day a Christian friend of mine came to visit. She said, “Praise the Lord!”
I said, “Forgive her, Holy Satan, she doesn’t mean what she says.”
She said, “Bless you, Jesus.”
I said, “Forgive her, Holy Satan. She doesn’t know what she is saying.”
Finally I couldn’t stand it any longer. I lost my temper and yelled at her, “GOD BLESS YOU. GO TO HEAVEN!”
SECOND MONOLOG
"RANGE WAR"
In the history of the American West, after the violent Indian wars were over and before railroads had crisscrossed the land, a conflict arose between two groups of people. The Cattle Ranchers, called “Cowmen,” who wanted the grasslands of the great prairie to remain open and free for their herds to graze, and farmers, called “Sodbusters”, who wanted to cultivate the land for growing crops.
The Cowmen wanted to be able to take their herds to market in great cross country cattle drives—herding their cattle across the open range to Kansas City or Chicago.
The Sodbusters didn’t want the cattle on their land because their grazing would destroy the crops. So they built fences.
This just angered the Cowmen, who tore down the fences. The Sodbusters put up barbed wire. The Cowmen took wire cutters to cut down the barbed wire fences.
Anger erupted. Both sides threatened violence. Finally the Cowmen gave the Sodbusters an ultimatum. They vowed to burn them out.
They said, “If you don’t take down those fences, YOUR GRASS WILL BE ASH!”
"CREMATORIUM"
The man who wanted to have his ashes spread in the front lawn SO HIS ASH COULD BE GRASS.
The man who wanted to have his ashes mixed with the ashes in a cigaret ash tray SO HE COULD HAVE A PLACE TO REST HIS ASH!
Had his ashes packed inside a ping pong ball and shot with a sling shot SO HE COULD GET HIS ASH IN A SLING!
Had his ashes divided up equally between all his friends, SO THEY COULD ALL HAVE A PIECE OF ASH.
The 24 hour drive through crematorium—their advertising motto is ASHES TO ASHES FROM DUSK TO DUSK.
"SHOE SIZE"
I think we should measure intelligence the same way we measure shoe size. In shoe size we have sizes A, B, C, D, and E, A being the narrowest, E being the widest. We also have AA and EE. In intelligence, a person with a AA would be very—let me hear you say it—that’s right. Very NARROW MINDED. Like Jerry Falwell or Anita Bryant. And somebody with a EE would be exceptionally—what is it? That’s right—very BROAD MINDED. Like Bill Clinton or Jerry Garcia.
"UNCLASSIFIED ADS"
I used to look for jobs in the Classified section of the newspaper. But I never found any jobs that I could do. Then I realized I was looking in the wrong section. I needed to look in the Unclassified section.
In the Unclassified Ads you get advertisements for jobs like ILLEGAL SECRETARY, UNREGISTERED NURSE, UNCERTIFIED PUBLIC ACCOUNTANT, DECONSTRUCTION WORKERS, CUSTOMER DISSERVICE, AUTO DISREPAIR, DECEPTIONIST, UNLICENSED PHARMACIST.
"DAY ROOM"
Do you see what I’m doing? Skipping around from subject to subject with little or no transition. Sometimes changing subjects in the middle of a conversation without telling anybody.
Only two kinds of people can get away with talking like that.
Mental patients and stand up comics.
Yeah, here we are talking like two schizophrenics in the day room of a mental hospital.
Only I’m the one who’s talking.
You’re the one who’s listening.
"MOBIL COMEDY CLUB"
I ride a lot of city buses. So I climb up the steps and pay the fare. Then I turn around and Voila! it’s like a mobile comedy theatre, complete with an audience all sitting in rows and looking at me.
Automatically I start practicing my comedy routines.
Believe me, if you can make them laugh on a city bus, you can make them laugh in any comedy club in the country!
THANK YOU LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. YOU'VE BEEN GREAT!
In the history of the American West, after the violent Indian wars were over and before railroads had crisscrossed the land, a conflict arose between two groups of people. The Cattle Ranchers, called “Cowmen,” who wanted the grasslands of the great prairie to remain open and free for their herds to graze, and farmers, called “Sodbusters”, who wanted to cultivate the land for growing crops.
The Cowmen wanted to be able to take their herds to market in great cross country cattle drives—herding their cattle across the open range to Kansas City or Chicago.
The Sodbusters didn’t want the cattle on their land because their grazing would destroy the crops. So they built fences.
This just angered the Cowmen, who tore down the fences. The Sodbusters put up barbed wire. The Cowmen took wire cutters to cut down the barbed wire fences.
Anger erupted. Both sides threatened violence. Finally the Cowmen gave the Sodbusters an ultimatum. They vowed to burn them out.
They said, “If you don’t take down those fences, YOUR GRASS WILL BE ASH!”
"CREMATORIUM"
The man who wanted to have his ashes spread in the front lawn SO HIS ASH COULD BE GRASS.
The man who wanted to have his ashes mixed with the ashes in a cigaret ash tray SO HE COULD HAVE A PLACE TO REST HIS ASH!
Had his ashes packed inside a ping pong ball and shot with a sling shot SO HE COULD GET HIS ASH IN A SLING!
Had his ashes divided up equally between all his friends, SO THEY COULD ALL HAVE A PIECE OF ASH.
The 24 hour drive through crematorium—their advertising motto is ASHES TO ASHES FROM DUSK TO DUSK.
"SHOE SIZE"
I think we should measure intelligence the same way we measure shoe size. In shoe size we have sizes A, B, C, D, and E, A being the narrowest, E being the widest. We also have AA and EE. In intelligence, a person with a AA would be very—let me hear you say it—that’s right. Very NARROW MINDED. Like Jerry Falwell or Anita Bryant. And somebody with a EE would be exceptionally—what is it? That’s right—very BROAD MINDED. Like Bill Clinton or Jerry Garcia.
"UNCLASSIFIED ADS"
I used to look for jobs in the Classified section of the newspaper. But I never found any jobs that I could do. Then I realized I was looking in the wrong section. I needed to look in the Unclassified section.
In the Unclassified Ads you get advertisements for jobs like ILLEGAL SECRETARY, UNREGISTERED NURSE, UNCERTIFIED PUBLIC ACCOUNTANT, DECONSTRUCTION WORKERS, CUSTOMER DISSERVICE, AUTO DISREPAIR, DECEPTIONIST, UNLICENSED PHARMACIST.
"DAY ROOM"
Do you see what I’m doing? Skipping around from subject to subject with little or no transition. Sometimes changing subjects in the middle of a conversation without telling anybody.
Only two kinds of people can get away with talking like that.
Mental patients and stand up comics.
Yeah, here we are talking like two schizophrenics in the day room of a mental hospital.
Only I’m the one who’s talking.
You’re the one who’s listening.
"MOBIL COMEDY CLUB"
I ride a lot of city buses. So I climb up the steps and pay the fare. Then I turn around and Voila! it’s like a mobile comedy theatre, complete with an audience all sitting in rows and looking at me.
Automatically I start practicing my comedy routines.
Believe me, if you can make them laugh on a city bus, you can make them laugh in any comedy club in the country!
THANK YOU LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. YOU'VE BEEN GREAT!
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