SECOND MONOLOG

"RANGE WAR"

In the history of the American West, after the violent Indian wars were over and before railroads had crisscrossed the land, a conflict arose between two groups of people. The Cattle Ranchers, called “Cowmen,” who wanted the grasslands of the great prairie to remain open and free for their herds to graze, and farmers, called “Sodbusters”, who wanted to cultivate the land for growing crops.

The Cowmen wanted to be able to take their herds to market in great cross country cattle drives—herding their cattle across the open range to Kansas City or Chicago.

The Sodbusters didn’t want the cattle on their land because their grazing would destroy the crops. So they built fences.

This just angered the Cowmen, who tore down the fences. The Sodbusters put up barbed wire. The Cowmen took wire cutters to cut down the barbed wire fences.

Anger erupted. Both sides threatened violence. Finally the Cowmen gave the Sodbusters an ultimatum. They vowed to burn them out.

They said, “If you don’t take down those fences, YOUR GRASS WILL BE ASH!”




"CREMATORIUM"

The man who wanted to have his ashes spread in the front lawn SO HIS ASH COULD BE GRASS.

The man who wanted to have his ashes mixed with the ashes in a cigaret ash tray SO HE COULD HAVE A PLACE TO REST HIS ASH!

Had his ashes packed inside a ping pong ball and shot with a sling shot SO HE COULD GET HIS ASH IN A SLING!

Had his ashes divided up equally between all his friends, SO THEY COULD ALL HAVE A PIECE OF ASH.

The 24 hour drive through crematorium—their advertising motto is ASHES TO ASHES FROM DUSK TO DUSK.





"SHOE SIZE"

I think we should measure intelligence the same way we measure shoe size. In shoe size we have sizes A, B, C, D, and E, A being the narrowest, E being the widest. We also have AA and EE. In intelligence, a person with a AA would be very—let me hear you say it—that’s right. Very NARROW MINDED. Like Jerry Falwell or Anita Bryant. And somebody with a EE would be exceptionally—what is it? That’s right—very BROAD MINDED. Like Bill Clinton or Jerry Garcia.



"UNCLASSIFIED ADS"

I used to look for jobs in the Classified section of the newspaper. But I never found any jobs that I could do. Then I realized I was looking in the wrong section. I needed to look in the Unclassified section.

In the Unclassified Ads you get advertisements for jobs like ILLEGAL SECRETARY, UNREGISTERED NURSE, UNCERTIFIED PUBLIC ACCOUNTANT, DECONSTRUCTION WORKERS, CUSTOMER DISSERVICE, AUTO DISREPAIR, DECEPTIONIST, UNLICENSED PHARMACIST.


"DAY ROOM"

Do you see what I’m doing? Skipping around from subject to subject with little or no transition. Sometimes changing subjects in the middle of a conversation without telling anybody.

Only two kinds of people can get away with talking like that.

Mental patients and stand up comics.

Yeah, here we are talking like two schizophrenics in the day room of a mental hospital.

Only I’m the one who’s talking.

You’re the one who’s listening.



"MOBIL COMEDY CLUB"

I ride a lot of city buses. So I climb up the steps and pay the fare. Then I turn around and Voila! it’s like a mobile comedy theatre, complete with an audience all sitting in rows and looking at me.

Automatically I start practicing my comedy routines.

Believe me, if you can make them laugh on a city bus, you can make them laugh in any comedy club in the country!




THANK YOU LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. YOU'VE BEEN GREAT!