I admit sometimes I suffer from heterophobia.
Don’t get me wrong. I haven’t got anything against straight people. Some of my best friends are straight..
I realize a lot of them are very talented writers and musicians—even stand up comedians.
Still I wouldn’t want my lesbian daughter to go out with one.
I might even be seen in public with one. But I admit if I introduced him to one of my friends, I might say, “This is John.” Then behind his back I would point to him and whisper “He’s Straight.”
After all, I don’t want people to think that I’m straight!
It wouldn’t be so bad but all they talk about is sex. What they’re going to do to what body part with what body part. Like the only thing in the world was heterosexual sex. As if the sun rose and set on their reproductive organs.
And what the men say they’re going to do to the other men. And you know they don’t mean it.
Still I think that straight people and gay people should be able to sit down at the same table and have dinner.
Whenever there is a group of people that doesn’t include at least one gay person, it seems to me like there is a spirit missing.
###
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Assorted Bits
Studied Christianity in the Spanish language. Jesu Christi. Anno Nuevo. Couldn’t understand the language. Thought Dios meant the Devil. I thought “Vaya Con Dios” meant “May the Devil walk with you forever.”
When I finally found out that Dios meant God, I said, “Oh no. That changes everything. I wish I’d found out sooner. I suppose next they will want us to stop preying on people, too.”
ERECTION
Erection is a Japanese election, right?
When he found out he was going to lose his erection, he withdrew from the ballot.
The night we erected a rectum, we found out we had an asshole for a president.
NO WAY, JOSE
“Jose, can you see by the dawn’s early light?”
“I don’t know. I’ve never been up that early.”
“Jose, can you see by the dawn’s early light?”
“I couldn’t see anything. I got up too early and it was too damn dark to see. So I went back to sleep.”
“Jose, can you see by the dawn’s early light?”
“No.”
“Can you see me now?”
“No..”
“Can you see me now?”
“Yes.”
“What can you see?”
“The ball game.”
###
She said I was losing my patience. I said, “I’m not allowed to have any patients. I don’t have a doctor’s license.”
###
No matter what people say, I know that every black person has a white soul. In fact they’ve got two of them. Did you ever look at the bottoms of their feet?
###
When I finally found out that Dios meant God, I said, “Oh no. That changes everything. I wish I’d found out sooner. I suppose next they will want us to stop preying on people, too.”
ERECTION
Erection is a Japanese election, right?
When he found out he was going to lose his erection, he withdrew from the ballot.
The night we erected a rectum, we found out we had an asshole for a president.
NO WAY, JOSE
“Jose, can you see by the dawn’s early light?”
“I don’t know. I’ve never been up that early.”
“Jose, can you see by the dawn’s early light?”
“I couldn’t see anything. I got up too early and it was too damn dark to see. So I went back to sleep.”
“Jose, can you see by the dawn’s early light?”
“No.”
“Can you see me now?”
“No..”
“Can you see me now?”
“Yes.”
“What can you see?”
“The ball game.”
###
She said I was losing my patience. I said, “I’m not allowed to have any patients. I don’t have a doctor’s license.”
###
No matter what people say, I know that every black person has a white soul. In fact they’ve got two of them. Did you ever look at the bottoms of their feet?
###
SATANISM
Before we begin let me make a disclaimer. Satan does not actually exist. It’s merely an abstract concept and has no existence as an individual being.
And let’s clear this up right at the beginning, too. I have never sold my soul to the devil. Although it’s true I used to rent it out on weekends.
Actually I had the contract all drawn up and I was getting time payments on it each month until they defaulted on their payments. So I had to foreclose on the deal and repossess my own soul.
The Soul—that’s something else that might not exist. It doesn’t weigh anything. You can’t see it, hear it, touch it. feel it, smell it. It only becomes active after you’re dead and there’s no way to prove that one way or the other. It’s just a scam created by the Catholic Church to keep their congregation in line. It’s not worth anything.
In fact if you meet somebody who wants you to sell them your soul, put them in touch with me. I’ve got a bridge they might also be interested in buying.
Actually I met Satan. He was in the parking lot. I walked up to him. I said, “Hey, you’re just an ordinary human being.”
He said, “I know. It’s my nickname. I’ve had it since high school.”
In Satanism everything is called by its opposite. When I say “I hate you” it means “I love you”. When I say “I love you” it means “I hate you.”
One day a Christian friend of mine came to visit. She said, “Praise the Lord!”
I said, “Forgive her, Holy Satan, she doesn’t mean what she says.”
She said, “Bless you, Jesus.”
I said, “Forgive her, Holy Satan. She doesn’t know what she is saying.”
Finally I couldn’t stand it any longer. I lost my temper and yelled at her, “GOD BLESS YOU. GO TO HEAVEN!”
And let’s clear this up right at the beginning, too. I have never sold my soul to the devil. Although it’s true I used to rent it out on weekends.
Actually I had the contract all drawn up and I was getting time payments on it each month until they defaulted on their payments. So I had to foreclose on the deal and repossess my own soul.
The Soul—that’s something else that might not exist. It doesn’t weigh anything. You can’t see it, hear it, touch it. feel it, smell it. It only becomes active after you’re dead and there’s no way to prove that one way or the other. It’s just a scam created by the Catholic Church to keep their congregation in line. It’s not worth anything.
In fact if you meet somebody who wants you to sell them your soul, put them in touch with me. I’ve got a bridge they might also be interested in buying.
Actually I met Satan. He was in the parking lot. I walked up to him. I said, “Hey, you’re just an ordinary human being.”
He said, “I know. It’s my nickname. I’ve had it since high school.”
In Satanism everything is called by its opposite. When I say “I hate you” it means “I love you”. When I say “I love you” it means “I hate you.”
One day a Christian friend of mine came to visit. She said, “Praise the Lord!”
I said, “Forgive her, Holy Satan, she doesn’t mean what she says.”
She said, “Bless you, Jesus.”
I said, “Forgive her, Holy Satan. She doesn’t know what she is saying.”
Finally I couldn’t stand it any longer. I lost my temper and yelled at her, “GOD BLESS YOU. GO TO HEAVEN!”
SECOND MONOLOG
"RANGE WAR"
In the history of the American West, after the violent Indian wars were over and before railroads had crisscrossed the land, a conflict arose between two groups of people. The Cattle Ranchers, called “Cowmen,” who wanted the grasslands of the great prairie to remain open and free for their herds to graze, and farmers, called “Sodbusters”, who wanted to cultivate the land for growing crops.
The Cowmen wanted to be able to take their herds to market in great cross country cattle drives—herding their cattle across the open range to Kansas City or Chicago.
The Sodbusters didn’t want the cattle on their land because their grazing would destroy the crops. So they built fences.
This just angered the Cowmen, who tore down the fences. The Sodbusters put up barbed wire. The Cowmen took wire cutters to cut down the barbed wire fences.
Anger erupted. Both sides threatened violence. Finally the Cowmen gave the Sodbusters an ultimatum. They vowed to burn them out.
They said, “If you don’t take down those fences, YOUR GRASS WILL BE ASH!”
"CREMATORIUM"
The man who wanted to have his ashes spread in the front lawn SO HIS ASH COULD BE GRASS.
The man who wanted to have his ashes mixed with the ashes in a cigaret ash tray SO HE COULD HAVE A PLACE TO REST HIS ASH!
Had his ashes packed inside a ping pong ball and shot with a sling shot SO HE COULD GET HIS ASH IN A SLING!
Had his ashes divided up equally between all his friends, SO THEY COULD ALL HAVE A PIECE OF ASH.
The 24 hour drive through crematorium—their advertising motto is ASHES TO ASHES FROM DUSK TO DUSK.
"SHOE SIZE"
I think we should measure intelligence the same way we measure shoe size. In shoe size we have sizes A, B, C, D, and E, A being the narrowest, E being the widest. We also have AA and EE. In intelligence, a person with a AA would be very—let me hear you say it—that’s right. Very NARROW MINDED. Like Jerry Falwell or Anita Bryant. And somebody with a EE would be exceptionally—what is it? That’s right—very BROAD MINDED. Like Bill Clinton or Jerry Garcia.
"UNCLASSIFIED ADS"
I used to look for jobs in the Classified section of the newspaper. But I never found any jobs that I could do. Then I realized I was looking in the wrong section. I needed to look in the Unclassified section.
In the Unclassified Ads you get advertisements for jobs like ILLEGAL SECRETARY, UNREGISTERED NURSE, UNCERTIFIED PUBLIC ACCOUNTANT, DECONSTRUCTION WORKERS, CUSTOMER DISSERVICE, AUTO DISREPAIR, DECEPTIONIST, UNLICENSED PHARMACIST.
"DAY ROOM"
Do you see what I’m doing? Skipping around from subject to subject with little or no transition. Sometimes changing subjects in the middle of a conversation without telling anybody.
Only two kinds of people can get away with talking like that.
Mental patients and stand up comics.
Yeah, here we are talking like two schizophrenics in the day room of a mental hospital.
Only I’m the one who’s talking.
You’re the one who’s listening.
"MOBIL COMEDY CLUB"
I ride a lot of city buses. So I climb up the steps and pay the fare. Then I turn around and Voila! it’s like a mobile comedy theatre, complete with an audience all sitting in rows and looking at me.
Automatically I start practicing my comedy routines.
Believe me, if you can make them laugh on a city bus, you can make them laugh in any comedy club in the country!
THANK YOU LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. YOU'VE BEEN GREAT!
In the history of the American West, after the violent Indian wars were over and before railroads had crisscrossed the land, a conflict arose between two groups of people. The Cattle Ranchers, called “Cowmen,” who wanted the grasslands of the great prairie to remain open and free for their herds to graze, and farmers, called “Sodbusters”, who wanted to cultivate the land for growing crops.
The Cowmen wanted to be able to take their herds to market in great cross country cattle drives—herding their cattle across the open range to Kansas City or Chicago.
The Sodbusters didn’t want the cattle on their land because their grazing would destroy the crops. So they built fences.
This just angered the Cowmen, who tore down the fences. The Sodbusters put up barbed wire. The Cowmen took wire cutters to cut down the barbed wire fences.
Anger erupted. Both sides threatened violence. Finally the Cowmen gave the Sodbusters an ultimatum. They vowed to burn them out.
They said, “If you don’t take down those fences, YOUR GRASS WILL BE ASH!”
"CREMATORIUM"
The man who wanted to have his ashes spread in the front lawn SO HIS ASH COULD BE GRASS.
The man who wanted to have his ashes mixed with the ashes in a cigaret ash tray SO HE COULD HAVE A PLACE TO REST HIS ASH!
Had his ashes packed inside a ping pong ball and shot with a sling shot SO HE COULD GET HIS ASH IN A SLING!
Had his ashes divided up equally between all his friends, SO THEY COULD ALL HAVE A PIECE OF ASH.
The 24 hour drive through crematorium—their advertising motto is ASHES TO ASHES FROM DUSK TO DUSK.
"SHOE SIZE"
I think we should measure intelligence the same way we measure shoe size. In shoe size we have sizes A, B, C, D, and E, A being the narrowest, E being the widest. We also have AA and EE. In intelligence, a person with a AA would be very—let me hear you say it—that’s right. Very NARROW MINDED. Like Jerry Falwell or Anita Bryant. And somebody with a EE would be exceptionally—what is it? That’s right—very BROAD MINDED. Like Bill Clinton or Jerry Garcia.
"UNCLASSIFIED ADS"
I used to look for jobs in the Classified section of the newspaper. But I never found any jobs that I could do. Then I realized I was looking in the wrong section. I needed to look in the Unclassified section.
In the Unclassified Ads you get advertisements for jobs like ILLEGAL SECRETARY, UNREGISTERED NURSE, UNCERTIFIED PUBLIC ACCOUNTANT, DECONSTRUCTION WORKERS, CUSTOMER DISSERVICE, AUTO DISREPAIR, DECEPTIONIST, UNLICENSED PHARMACIST.
"DAY ROOM"
Do you see what I’m doing? Skipping around from subject to subject with little or no transition. Sometimes changing subjects in the middle of a conversation without telling anybody.
Only two kinds of people can get away with talking like that.
Mental patients and stand up comics.
Yeah, here we are talking like two schizophrenics in the day room of a mental hospital.
Only I’m the one who’s talking.
You’re the one who’s listening.
"MOBIL COMEDY CLUB"
I ride a lot of city buses. So I climb up the steps and pay the fare. Then I turn around and Voila! it’s like a mobile comedy theatre, complete with an audience all sitting in rows and looking at me.
Automatically I start practicing my comedy routines.
Believe me, if you can make them laugh on a city bus, you can make them laugh in any comedy club in the country!
THANK YOU LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. YOU'VE BEEN GREAT!
NO SMOKING
Second hand smoke can kill you.
We don’t know of anybody who’s actually died from it, though.
They’ve made it illegal. you can go to jail for second hand smoke, now.
Yeah, some of my friends are doing time for it right now.
You must have heard about it. It’s been in all the newspapers.
These people, friends of mine, were convicted of second degree murder for second hand smoke.
What happened was these people went to visit somebody whose apartment is not well ventilated.
They sat in a circle around him and all lit up at the same time.
And they SMOKED him!!
By the way, we’ve got to stop murdering people in the lobby. It’s posted. There are signs all over the place.
It says, “NO SMOKING IN THE LOBBY”
California’s tough anti-smoking laws have caused the greatest mass exodus of California citizens from California since the Three Strikes Law.
I’ve never smoked cigarettes. I’ve got an allergic reaction to tobacco that makes me sick to my stomach every time I try to smoke it, so I never learned how.
I never had any interest in smoking until they made it illegal. Now I want to start.
So I figure I’ll use THE PATCH.
The Patch is used for quitting and comes in three sizes, Large, Medium, and Small.
Each size is permeated with a pharmaceutically regulated dose of nicotine to be absorbed through your skin.
The first patch is the big one. It administers enough nicotine to get you through your first week without smoking and take you to the second stage where you switch to the medium patch, which administers a lower dose of nicotine daily, until the third week, when you switch to the smallest patch with a tiny dose of nicotine. After a week at the smallest patch, you are free to stop and never have to smoke cigarets again.
Well, I figure I’ll start with the tiny patch with the lowest dose of nicotine and work myself up to the largest patch so I can gradually increase my tolerance to tobacco
so that by the end of this time
I should be able to start smoking cigarets without getting sick to my stomach.
The way I look at it, it’s six to one, half dozen to the other.
On the one hand, no smoking in California. On the other hand, medical marijuana.
On the one hand, no illegal aliens. On the other, one out of every three people on Hollywood Boulevard is an extraterrestrial.
We don’t know of anybody who’s actually died from it, though.
They’ve made it illegal. you can go to jail for second hand smoke, now.
Yeah, some of my friends are doing time for it right now.
You must have heard about it. It’s been in all the newspapers.
These people, friends of mine, were convicted of second degree murder for second hand smoke.
What happened was these people went to visit somebody whose apartment is not well ventilated.
They sat in a circle around him and all lit up at the same time.
And they SMOKED him!!
By the way, we’ve got to stop murdering people in the lobby. It’s posted. There are signs all over the place.
It says, “NO SMOKING IN THE LOBBY”
California’s tough anti-smoking laws have caused the greatest mass exodus of California citizens from California since the Three Strikes Law.
I’ve never smoked cigarettes. I’ve got an allergic reaction to tobacco that makes me sick to my stomach every time I try to smoke it, so I never learned how.
I never had any interest in smoking until they made it illegal. Now I want to start.
So I figure I’ll use THE PATCH.
The Patch is used for quitting and comes in three sizes, Large, Medium, and Small.
Each size is permeated with a pharmaceutically regulated dose of nicotine to be absorbed through your skin.
The first patch is the big one. It administers enough nicotine to get you through your first week without smoking and take you to the second stage where you switch to the medium patch, which administers a lower dose of nicotine daily, until the third week, when you switch to the smallest patch with a tiny dose of nicotine. After a week at the smallest patch, you are free to stop and never have to smoke cigarets again.
Well, I figure I’ll start with the tiny patch with the lowest dose of nicotine and work myself up to the largest patch so I can gradually increase my tolerance to tobacco
so that by the end of this time
I should be able to start smoking cigarets without getting sick to my stomach.
The way I look at it, it’s six to one, half dozen to the other.
On the one hand, no smoking in California. On the other hand, medical marijuana.
On the one hand, no illegal aliens. On the other, one out of every three people on Hollywood Boulevard is an extraterrestrial.
First Monolog
Good evening ladies and gentlemen.. I’m very happy to be here.
Whenever people first meet me, they always want to know everything about me. By the way, this is all the original equipment. What you see is what you get. Nothing added, nothing taken away.
I had a normal childhood.
When I was just a tiny baby, my mother tried to breast feed me. But something went wrong.
I must have been awfully hungry because I bit my mother’s breast and it bled. I never saw another woman’s breast until I was eighteen years old.
(Soggy Cereal)
Speaking of being hungry, does anybody like to eat cereal for breakfast? Let’s see a show of hands, how many like cereal? That many? And I like cereal, too.
Have any of you tried this kind that’s guaranteed not to get soggy when you pour milk on it?
DUH!
Hello! Am I missing something, here?
If you didn’t want the cereal to get soggy, why did you pour milk on it in the first place?
Well, there is this brand of cereal called Kix or Trix or whatever and they invested all this money into it for scientific research and this cereal is guaranteed to not get soggy in milk.
You can pour milk on it and still have time to answer the door, talk on the phone, make breakfast, get the kids off to school, do your nails, vacuum the living room and it still won’t be soggy.
Nothing you can do will make it soggy.
You can hold it underwater, punch holes in it, hit it with a hammer, grind it into dust with a pair of pliers.
It will still be just as crispy as it was when you poured the milk on it.
About the only thing that has any effect is to take the bowl with the milk and cereal in it and put it in the back of the refrigerator and forget about it for about three days or a week.
Then instead of crispy little chunks you get slimy little globs and in the middle of each glob is a tiny little bead that’s –you guessed it!
THAT’S STILL NOT SOGGY!!!!
I don’t know about you, but I want a cereal that’s guaranteed to get soggy in milk!
(Straight Comedian)
When I first started wanting to do Standup comedy, I wanted to push the envelope. Do my own thing.. Innovate. Do something that had never been done before.
Then it hit me. I said, I know. I’ll write jokes that aren’t funny.
I’ll be the first straight comedian.
Unfortunately, the audience wasn’t ready for it. It went right over their heads.
Not only did it make them bored, it turned them into boards.
We’re talking real wood, here. Solid lumber.
That’s bored stiff.
Which isn’t a very nice thing to do to anybody, especially if you were trying to make them laugh.
I thought I heard somebody snoring. But they were really sawing wood.
Somebody thought their grandmother was a table leg.
(Drive-By)
I never thought I could get into too much trouble doing comedy up here. Just me, a microphone, and a small audience made up mostly of a few of my friends.
But each one of you hears one thing I say, and you go home and tell it to your friend, and your friend tells his friend
and next thing I know I read in the newspaper that I’m accused to three drive-by shootings and an attempted suicide.
WHAT I REALLY SAID WAS!!:
“I almost died up here last night, but I really killed them two weeks ago in Pittsburgh.”
Oh well, what is life but brief moments of lucidity separated by long periods of insensitivity and pain!
(three jokes)
I wrote a joke.
Everything is backward in Hell, right?.
When we answer the phone, we say, “Hello.” Right?
What do they say when they answer the phone in hell?
“OH HELL”
Why do drunks always repeat themselves?
They want to be sure you heard what they said.
Here’s a joke without a punch line.
Why do homeless people always talk to themselves?
Thank you very much, Ladies and Gentlemen. Goodnight.
(END OF FIRST MONOLOG)
Whenever people first meet me, they always want to know everything about me. By the way, this is all the original equipment. What you see is what you get. Nothing added, nothing taken away.
I had a normal childhood.
When I was just a tiny baby, my mother tried to breast feed me. But something went wrong.
I must have been awfully hungry because I bit my mother’s breast and it bled. I never saw another woman’s breast until I was eighteen years old.
(Soggy Cereal)
Speaking of being hungry, does anybody like to eat cereal for breakfast? Let’s see a show of hands, how many like cereal? That many? And I like cereal, too.
Have any of you tried this kind that’s guaranteed not to get soggy when you pour milk on it?
DUH!
Hello! Am I missing something, here?
If you didn’t want the cereal to get soggy, why did you pour milk on it in the first place?
Well, there is this brand of cereal called Kix or Trix or whatever and they invested all this money into it for scientific research and this cereal is guaranteed to not get soggy in milk.
You can pour milk on it and still have time to answer the door, talk on the phone, make breakfast, get the kids off to school, do your nails, vacuum the living room and it still won’t be soggy.
Nothing you can do will make it soggy.
You can hold it underwater, punch holes in it, hit it with a hammer, grind it into dust with a pair of pliers.
It will still be just as crispy as it was when you poured the milk on it.
About the only thing that has any effect is to take the bowl with the milk and cereal in it and put it in the back of the refrigerator and forget about it for about three days or a week.
Then instead of crispy little chunks you get slimy little globs and in the middle of each glob is a tiny little bead that’s –you guessed it!
THAT’S STILL NOT SOGGY!!!!
I don’t know about you, but I want a cereal that’s guaranteed to get soggy in milk!
(Straight Comedian)
When I first started wanting to do Standup comedy, I wanted to push the envelope. Do my own thing.. Innovate. Do something that had never been done before.
Then it hit me. I said, I know. I’ll write jokes that aren’t funny.
I’ll be the first straight comedian.
Unfortunately, the audience wasn’t ready for it. It went right over their heads.
Not only did it make them bored, it turned them into boards.
We’re talking real wood, here. Solid lumber.
That’s bored stiff.
Which isn’t a very nice thing to do to anybody, especially if you were trying to make them laugh.
I thought I heard somebody snoring. But they were really sawing wood.
Somebody thought their grandmother was a table leg.
(Drive-By)
I never thought I could get into too much trouble doing comedy up here. Just me, a microphone, and a small audience made up mostly of a few of my friends.
But each one of you hears one thing I say, and you go home and tell it to your friend, and your friend tells his friend
and next thing I know I read in the newspaper that I’m accused to three drive-by shootings and an attempted suicide.
WHAT I REALLY SAID WAS!!:
“I almost died up here last night, but I really killed them two weeks ago in Pittsburgh.”
Oh well, what is life but brief moments of lucidity separated by long periods of insensitivity and pain!
(three jokes)
I wrote a joke.
Everything is backward in Hell, right?.
When we answer the phone, we say, “Hello.” Right?
What do they say when they answer the phone in hell?
“OH HELL”
Why do drunks always repeat themselves?
They want to be sure you heard what they said.
Here’s a joke without a punch line.
Why do homeless people always talk to themselves?
Thank you very much, Ladies and Gentlemen. Goodnight.
(END OF FIRST MONOLOG)
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