I admit sometimes I suffer from heterophobia.
Don’t get me wrong. I haven’t got anything against straight people. Some of my best friends are straight..
I realize a lot of them are very talented writers and musicians—even stand up comedians.
Still I wouldn’t want my lesbian daughter to go out with one.
I might even be seen in public with one. But I admit if I introduced him to one of my friends, I might say, “This is John.” Then behind his back I would point to him and whisper “He’s Straight.”
After all, I don’t want people to think that I’m straight!
It wouldn’t be so bad but all they talk about is sex. What they’re going to do to what body part with what body part. Like the only thing in the world was heterosexual sex. As if the sun rose and set on their reproductive organs.
And what the men say they’re going to do to the other men. And you know they don’t mean it.
Still I think that straight people and gay people should be able to sit down at the same table and have dinner.
Whenever there is a group of people that doesn’t include at least one gay person, it seems to me like there is a spirit missing.
###
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Assorted Bits
Studied Christianity in the Spanish language. Jesu Christi. Anno Nuevo. Couldn’t understand the language. Thought Dios meant the Devil. I thought “Vaya Con Dios” meant “May the Devil walk with you forever.”
When I finally found out that Dios meant God, I said, “Oh no. That changes everything. I wish I’d found out sooner. I suppose next they will want us to stop preying on people, too.”
ERECTION
Erection is a Japanese election, right?
When he found out he was going to lose his erection, he withdrew from the ballot.
The night we erected a rectum, we found out we had an asshole for a president.
NO WAY, JOSE
“Jose, can you see by the dawn’s early light?”
“I don’t know. I’ve never been up that early.”
“Jose, can you see by the dawn’s early light?”
“I couldn’t see anything. I got up too early and it was too damn dark to see. So I went back to sleep.”
“Jose, can you see by the dawn’s early light?”
“No.”
“Can you see me now?”
“No..”
“Can you see me now?”
“Yes.”
“What can you see?”
“The ball game.”
###
She said I was losing my patience. I said, “I’m not allowed to have any patients. I don’t have a doctor’s license.”
###
No matter what people say, I know that every black person has a white soul. In fact they’ve got two of them. Did you ever look at the bottoms of their feet?
###
When I finally found out that Dios meant God, I said, “Oh no. That changes everything. I wish I’d found out sooner. I suppose next they will want us to stop preying on people, too.”
ERECTION
Erection is a Japanese election, right?
When he found out he was going to lose his erection, he withdrew from the ballot.
The night we erected a rectum, we found out we had an asshole for a president.
NO WAY, JOSE
“Jose, can you see by the dawn’s early light?”
“I don’t know. I’ve never been up that early.”
“Jose, can you see by the dawn’s early light?”
“I couldn’t see anything. I got up too early and it was too damn dark to see. So I went back to sleep.”
“Jose, can you see by the dawn’s early light?”
“No.”
“Can you see me now?”
“No..”
“Can you see me now?”
“Yes.”
“What can you see?”
“The ball game.”
###
She said I was losing my patience. I said, “I’m not allowed to have any patients. I don’t have a doctor’s license.”
###
No matter what people say, I know that every black person has a white soul. In fact they’ve got two of them. Did you ever look at the bottoms of their feet?
###
SATANISM
Before we begin let me make a disclaimer. Satan does not actually exist. It’s merely an abstract concept and has no existence as an individual being.
And let’s clear this up right at the beginning, too. I have never sold my soul to the devil. Although it’s true I used to rent it out on weekends.
Actually I had the contract all drawn up and I was getting time payments on it each month until they defaulted on their payments. So I had to foreclose on the deal and repossess my own soul.
The Soul—that’s something else that might not exist. It doesn’t weigh anything. You can’t see it, hear it, touch it. feel it, smell it. It only becomes active after you’re dead and there’s no way to prove that one way or the other. It’s just a scam created by the Catholic Church to keep their congregation in line. It’s not worth anything.
In fact if you meet somebody who wants you to sell them your soul, put them in touch with me. I’ve got a bridge they might also be interested in buying.
Actually I met Satan. He was in the parking lot. I walked up to him. I said, “Hey, you’re just an ordinary human being.”
He said, “I know. It’s my nickname. I’ve had it since high school.”
In Satanism everything is called by its opposite. When I say “I hate you” it means “I love you”. When I say “I love you” it means “I hate you.”
One day a Christian friend of mine came to visit. She said, “Praise the Lord!”
I said, “Forgive her, Holy Satan, she doesn’t mean what she says.”
She said, “Bless you, Jesus.”
I said, “Forgive her, Holy Satan. She doesn’t know what she is saying.”
Finally I couldn’t stand it any longer. I lost my temper and yelled at her, “GOD BLESS YOU. GO TO HEAVEN!”
And let’s clear this up right at the beginning, too. I have never sold my soul to the devil. Although it’s true I used to rent it out on weekends.
Actually I had the contract all drawn up and I was getting time payments on it each month until they defaulted on their payments. So I had to foreclose on the deal and repossess my own soul.
The Soul—that’s something else that might not exist. It doesn’t weigh anything. You can’t see it, hear it, touch it. feel it, smell it. It only becomes active after you’re dead and there’s no way to prove that one way or the other. It’s just a scam created by the Catholic Church to keep their congregation in line. It’s not worth anything.
In fact if you meet somebody who wants you to sell them your soul, put them in touch with me. I’ve got a bridge they might also be interested in buying.
Actually I met Satan. He was in the parking lot. I walked up to him. I said, “Hey, you’re just an ordinary human being.”
He said, “I know. It’s my nickname. I’ve had it since high school.”
In Satanism everything is called by its opposite. When I say “I hate you” it means “I love you”. When I say “I love you” it means “I hate you.”
One day a Christian friend of mine came to visit. She said, “Praise the Lord!”
I said, “Forgive her, Holy Satan, she doesn’t mean what she says.”
She said, “Bless you, Jesus.”
I said, “Forgive her, Holy Satan. She doesn’t know what she is saying.”
Finally I couldn’t stand it any longer. I lost my temper and yelled at her, “GOD BLESS YOU. GO TO HEAVEN!”
SECOND MONOLOG
"RANGE WAR"
In the history of the American West, after the violent Indian wars were over and before railroads had crisscrossed the land, a conflict arose between two groups of people. The Cattle Ranchers, called “Cowmen,” who wanted the grasslands of the great prairie to remain open and free for their herds to graze, and farmers, called “Sodbusters”, who wanted to cultivate the land for growing crops.
The Cowmen wanted to be able to take their herds to market in great cross country cattle drives—herding their cattle across the open range to Kansas City or Chicago.
The Sodbusters didn’t want the cattle on their land because their grazing would destroy the crops. So they built fences.
This just angered the Cowmen, who tore down the fences. The Sodbusters put up barbed wire. The Cowmen took wire cutters to cut down the barbed wire fences.
Anger erupted. Both sides threatened violence. Finally the Cowmen gave the Sodbusters an ultimatum. They vowed to burn them out.
They said, “If you don’t take down those fences, YOUR GRASS WILL BE ASH!”
"CREMATORIUM"
The man who wanted to have his ashes spread in the front lawn SO HIS ASH COULD BE GRASS.
The man who wanted to have his ashes mixed with the ashes in a cigaret ash tray SO HE COULD HAVE A PLACE TO REST HIS ASH!
Had his ashes packed inside a ping pong ball and shot with a sling shot SO HE COULD GET HIS ASH IN A SLING!
Had his ashes divided up equally between all his friends, SO THEY COULD ALL HAVE A PIECE OF ASH.
The 24 hour drive through crematorium—their advertising motto is ASHES TO ASHES FROM DUSK TO DUSK.
"SHOE SIZE"
I think we should measure intelligence the same way we measure shoe size. In shoe size we have sizes A, B, C, D, and E, A being the narrowest, E being the widest. We also have AA and EE. In intelligence, a person with a AA would be very—let me hear you say it—that’s right. Very NARROW MINDED. Like Jerry Falwell or Anita Bryant. And somebody with a EE would be exceptionally—what is it? That’s right—very BROAD MINDED. Like Bill Clinton or Jerry Garcia.
"UNCLASSIFIED ADS"
I used to look for jobs in the Classified section of the newspaper. But I never found any jobs that I could do. Then I realized I was looking in the wrong section. I needed to look in the Unclassified section.
In the Unclassified Ads you get advertisements for jobs like ILLEGAL SECRETARY, UNREGISTERED NURSE, UNCERTIFIED PUBLIC ACCOUNTANT, DECONSTRUCTION WORKERS, CUSTOMER DISSERVICE, AUTO DISREPAIR, DECEPTIONIST, UNLICENSED PHARMACIST.
"DAY ROOM"
Do you see what I’m doing? Skipping around from subject to subject with little or no transition. Sometimes changing subjects in the middle of a conversation without telling anybody.
Only two kinds of people can get away with talking like that.
Mental patients and stand up comics.
Yeah, here we are talking like two schizophrenics in the day room of a mental hospital.
Only I’m the one who’s talking.
You’re the one who’s listening.
"MOBIL COMEDY CLUB"
I ride a lot of city buses. So I climb up the steps and pay the fare. Then I turn around and Voila! it’s like a mobile comedy theatre, complete with an audience all sitting in rows and looking at me.
Automatically I start practicing my comedy routines.
Believe me, if you can make them laugh on a city bus, you can make them laugh in any comedy club in the country!
THANK YOU LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. YOU'VE BEEN GREAT!
In the history of the American West, after the violent Indian wars were over and before railroads had crisscrossed the land, a conflict arose between two groups of people. The Cattle Ranchers, called “Cowmen,” who wanted the grasslands of the great prairie to remain open and free for their herds to graze, and farmers, called “Sodbusters”, who wanted to cultivate the land for growing crops.
The Cowmen wanted to be able to take their herds to market in great cross country cattle drives—herding their cattle across the open range to Kansas City or Chicago.
The Sodbusters didn’t want the cattle on their land because their grazing would destroy the crops. So they built fences.
This just angered the Cowmen, who tore down the fences. The Sodbusters put up barbed wire. The Cowmen took wire cutters to cut down the barbed wire fences.
Anger erupted. Both sides threatened violence. Finally the Cowmen gave the Sodbusters an ultimatum. They vowed to burn them out.
They said, “If you don’t take down those fences, YOUR GRASS WILL BE ASH!”
"CREMATORIUM"
The man who wanted to have his ashes spread in the front lawn SO HIS ASH COULD BE GRASS.
The man who wanted to have his ashes mixed with the ashes in a cigaret ash tray SO HE COULD HAVE A PLACE TO REST HIS ASH!
Had his ashes packed inside a ping pong ball and shot with a sling shot SO HE COULD GET HIS ASH IN A SLING!
Had his ashes divided up equally between all his friends, SO THEY COULD ALL HAVE A PIECE OF ASH.
The 24 hour drive through crematorium—their advertising motto is ASHES TO ASHES FROM DUSK TO DUSK.
"SHOE SIZE"
I think we should measure intelligence the same way we measure shoe size. In shoe size we have sizes A, B, C, D, and E, A being the narrowest, E being the widest. We also have AA and EE. In intelligence, a person with a AA would be very—let me hear you say it—that’s right. Very NARROW MINDED. Like Jerry Falwell or Anita Bryant. And somebody with a EE would be exceptionally—what is it? That’s right—very BROAD MINDED. Like Bill Clinton or Jerry Garcia.
"UNCLASSIFIED ADS"
I used to look for jobs in the Classified section of the newspaper. But I never found any jobs that I could do. Then I realized I was looking in the wrong section. I needed to look in the Unclassified section.
In the Unclassified Ads you get advertisements for jobs like ILLEGAL SECRETARY, UNREGISTERED NURSE, UNCERTIFIED PUBLIC ACCOUNTANT, DECONSTRUCTION WORKERS, CUSTOMER DISSERVICE, AUTO DISREPAIR, DECEPTIONIST, UNLICENSED PHARMACIST.
"DAY ROOM"
Do you see what I’m doing? Skipping around from subject to subject with little or no transition. Sometimes changing subjects in the middle of a conversation without telling anybody.
Only two kinds of people can get away with talking like that.
Mental patients and stand up comics.
Yeah, here we are talking like two schizophrenics in the day room of a mental hospital.
Only I’m the one who’s talking.
You’re the one who’s listening.
"MOBIL COMEDY CLUB"
I ride a lot of city buses. So I climb up the steps and pay the fare. Then I turn around and Voila! it’s like a mobile comedy theatre, complete with an audience all sitting in rows and looking at me.
Automatically I start practicing my comedy routines.
Believe me, if you can make them laugh on a city bus, you can make them laugh in any comedy club in the country!
THANK YOU LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. YOU'VE BEEN GREAT!
NO SMOKING
Second hand smoke can kill you.
We don’t know of anybody who’s actually died from it, though.
They’ve made it illegal. you can go to jail for second hand smoke, now.
Yeah, some of my friends are doing time for it right now.
You must have heard about it. It’s been in all the newspapers.
These people, friends of mine, were convicted of second degree murder for second hand smoke.
What happened was these people went to visit somebody whose apartment is not well ventilated.
They sat in a circle around him and all lit up at the same time.
And they SMOKED him!!
By the way, we’ve got to stop murdering people in the lobby. It’s posted. There are signs all over the place.
It says, “NO SMOKING IN THE LOBBY”
California’s tough anti-smoking laws have caused the greatest mass exodus of California citizens from California since the Three Strikes Law.
I’ve never smoked cigarettes. I’ve got an allergic reaction to tobacco that makes me sick to my stomach every time I try to smoke it, so I never learned how.
I never had any interest in smoking until they made it illegal. Now I want to start.
So I figure I’ll use THE PATCH.
The Patch is used for quitting and comes in three sizes, Large, Medium, and Small.
Each size is permeated with a pharmaceutically regulated dose of nicotine to be absorbed through your skin.
The first patch is the big one. It administers enough nicotine to get you through your first week without smoking and take you to the second stage where you switch to the medium patch, which administers a lower dose of nicotine daily, until the third week, when you switch to the smallest patch with a tiny dose of nicotine. After a week at the smallest patch, you are free to stop and never have to smoke cigarets again.
Well, I figure I’ll start with the tiny patch with the lowest dose of nicotine and work myself up to the largest patch so I can gradually increase my tolerance to tobacco
so that by the end of this time
I should be able to start smoking cigarets without getting sick to my stomach.
The way I look at it, it’s six to one, half dozen to the other.
On the one hand, no smoking in California. On the other hand, medical marijuana.
On the one hand, no illegal aliens. On the other, one out of every three people on Hollywood Boulevard is an extraterrestrial.
We don’t know of anybody who’s actually died from it, though.
They’ve made it illegal. you can go to jail for second hand smoke, now.
Yeah, some of my friends are doing time for it right now.
You must have heard about it. It’s been in all the newspapers.
These people, friends of mine, were convicted of second degree murder for second hand smoke.
What happened was these people went to visit somebody whose apartment is not well ventilated.
They sat in a circle around him and all lit up at the same time.
And they SMOKED him!!
By the way, we’ve got to stop murdering people in the lobby. It’s posted. There are signs all over the place.
It says, “NO SMOKING IN THE LOBBY”
California’s tough anti-smoking laws have caused the greatest mass exodus of California citizens from California since the Three Strikes Law.
I’ve never smoked cigarettes. I’ve got an allergic reaction to tobacco that makes me sick to my stomach every time I try to smoke it, so I never learned how.
I never had any interest in smoking until they made it illegal. Now I want to start.
So I figure I’ll use THE PATCH.
The Patch is used for quitting and comes in three sizes, Large, Medium, and Small.
Each size is permeated with a pharmaceutically regulated dose of nicotine to be absorbed through your skin.
The first patch is the big one. It administers enough nicotine to get you through your first week without smoking and take you to the second stage where you switch to the medium patch, which administers a lower dose of nicotine daily, until the third week, when you switch to the smallest patch with a tiny dose of nicotine. After a week at the smallest patch, you are free to stop and never have to smoke cigarets again.
Well, I figure I’ll start with the tiny patch with the lowest dose of nicotine and work myself up to the largest patch so I can gradually increase my tolerance to tobacco
so that by the end of this time
I should be able to start smoking cigarets without getting sick to my stomach.
The way I look at it, it’s six to one, half dozen to the other.
On the one hand, no smoking in California. On the other hand, medical marijuana.
On the one hand, no illegal aliens. On the other, one out of every three people on Hollywood Boulevard is an extraterrestrial.
First Monolog
Good evening ladies and gentlemen.. I’m very happy to be here.
Whenever people first meet me, they always want to know everything about me. By the way, this is all the original equipment. What you see is what you get. Nothing added, nothing taken away.
I had a normal childhood.
When I was just a tiny baby, my mother tried to breast feed me. But something went wrong.
I must have been awfully hungry because I bit my mother’s breast and it bled. I never saw another woman’s breast until I was eighteen years old.
(Soggy Cereal)
Speaking of being hungry, does anybody like to eat cereal for breakfast? Let’s see a show of hands, how many like cereal? That many? And I like cereal, too.
Have any of you tried this kind that’s guaranteed not to get soggy when you pour milk on it?
DUH!
Hello! Am I missing something, here?
If you didn’t want the cereal to get soggy, why did you pour milk on it in the first place?
Well, there is this brand of cereal called Kix or Trix or whatever and they invested all this money into it for scientific research and this cereal is guaranteed to not get soggy in milk.
You can pour milk on it and still have time to answer the door, talk on the phone, make breakfast, get the kids off to school, do your nails, vacuum the living room and it still won’t be soggy.
Nothing you can do will make it soggy.
You can hold it underwater, punch holes in it, hit it with a hammer, grind it into dust with a pair of pliers.
It will still be just as crispy as it was when you poured the milk on it.
About the only thing that has any effect is to take the bowl with the milk and cereal in it and put it in the back of the refrigerator and forget about it for about three days or a week.
Then instead of crispy little chunks you get slimy little globs and in the middle of each glob is a tiny little bead that’s –you guessed it!
THAT’S STILL NOT SOGGY!!!!
I don’t know about you, but I want a cereal that’s guaranteed to get soggy in milk!
(Straight Comedian)
When I first started wanting to do Standup comedy, I wanted to push the envelope. Do my own thing.. Innovate. Do something that had never been done before.
Then it hit me. I said, I know. I’ll write jokes that aren’t funny.
I’ll be the first straight comedian.
Unfortunately, the audience wasn’t ready for it. It went right over their heads.
Not only did it make them bored, it turned them into boards.
We’re talking real wood, here. Solid lumber.
That’s bored stiff.
Which isn’t a very nice thing to do to anybody, especially if you were trying to make them laugh.
I thought I heard somebody snoring. But they were really sawing wood.
Somebody thought their grandmother was a table leg.
(Drive-By)
I never thought I could get into too much trouble doing comedy up here. Just me, a microphone, and a small audience made up mostly of a few of my friends.
But each one of you hears one thing I say, and you go home and tell it to your friend, and your friend tells his friend
and next thing I know I read in the newspaper that I’m accused to three drive-by shootings and an attempted suicide.
WHAT I REALLY SAID WAS!!:
“I almost died up here last night, but I really killed them two weeks ago in Pittsburgh.”
Oh well, what is life but brief moments of lucidity separated by long periods of insensitivity and pain!
(three jokes)
I wrote a joke.
Everything is backward in Hell, right?.
When we answer the phone, we say, “Hello.” Right?
What do they say when they answer the phone in hell?
“OH HELL”
Why do drunks always repeat themselves?
They want to be sure you heard what they said.
Here’s a joke without a punch line.
Why do homeless people always talk to themselves?
Thank you very much, Ladies and Gentlemen. Goodnight.
(END OF FIRST MONOLOG)
Whenever people first meet me, they always want to know everything about me. By the way, this is all the original equipment. What you see is what you get. Nothing added, nothing taken away.
I had a normal childhood.
When I was just a tiny baby, my mother tried to breast feed me. But something went wrong.
I must have been awfully hungry because I bit my mother’s breast and it bled. I never saw another woman’s breast until I was eighteen years old.
(Soggy Cereal)
Speaking of being hungry, does anybody like to eat cereal for breakfast? Let’s see a show of hands, how many like cereal? That many? And I like cereal, too.
Have any of you tried this kind that’s guaranteed not to get soggy when you pour milk on it?
DUH!
Hello! Am I missing something, here?
If you didn’t want the cereal to get soggy, why did you pour milk on it in the first place?
Well, there is this brand of cereal called Kix or Trix or whatever and they invested all this money into it for scientific research and this cereal is guaranteed to not get soggy in milk.
You can pour milk on it and still have time to answer the door, talk on the phone, make breakfast, get the kids off to school, do your nails, vacuum the living room and it still won’t be soggy.
Nothing you can do will make it soggy.
You can hold it underwater, punch holes in it, hit it with a hammer, grind it into dust with a pair of pliers.
It will still be just as crispy as it was when you poured the milk on it.
About the only thing that has any effect is to take the bowl with the milk and cereal in it and put it in the back of the refrigerator and forget about it for about three days or a week.
Then instead of crispy little chunks you get slimy little globs and in the middle of each glob is a tiny little bead that’s –you guessed it!
THAT’S STILL NOT SOGGY!!!!
I don’t know about you, but I want a cereal that’s guaranteed to get soggy in milk!
(Straight Comedian)
When I first started wanting to do Standup comedy, I wanted to push the envelope. Do my own thing.. Innovate. Do something that had never been done before.
Then it hit me. I said, I know. I’ll write jokes that aren’t funny.
I’ll be the first straight comedian.
Unfortunately, the audience wasn’t ready for it. It went right over their heads.
Not only did it make them bored, it turned them into boards.
We’re talking real wood, here. Solid lumber.
That’s bored stiff.
Which isn’t a very nice thing to do to anybody, especially if you were trying to make them laugh.
I thought I heard somebody snoring. But they were really sawing wood.
Somebody thought their grandmother was a table leg.
(Drive-By)
I never thought I could get into too much trouble doing comedy up here. Just me, a microphone, and a small audience made up mostly of a few of my friends.
But each one of you hears one thing I say, and you go home and tell it to your friend, and your friend tells his friend
and next thing I know I read in the newspaper that I’m accused to three drive-by shootings and an attempted suicide.
WHAT I REALLY SAID WAS!!:
“I almost died up here last night, but I really killed them two weeks ago in Pittsburgh.”
Oh well, what is life but brief moments of lucidity separated by long periods of insensitivity and pain!
(three jokes)
I wrote a joke.
Everything is backward in Hell, right?.
When we answer the phone, we say, “Hello.” Right?
What do they say when they answer the phone in hell?
“OH HELL”
Why do drunks always repeat themselves?
They want to be sure you heard what they said.
Here’s a joke without a punch line.
Why do homeless people always talk to themselves?
Thank you very much, Ladies and Gentlemen. Goodnight.
(END OF FIRST MONOLOG)
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
A TREASURY OF UNUSUAL AND IMPROBABLE MUSIC TERMINOLOGY
TAPS – music notation indicating sound of a rim shot
CLAPS – the sound of two hands clapping
SNAPS – sound of recording tape made by pressing REWIND while tape recorder is in
FAST FORWARD mode
WHAPS – Sound of a piano keyboard being played by the elbow.
SLAPS – piano keyboard played by the palm of the hand
THWACKS – sound of a piano keyboard being played by a 2” x 4” board.[1]
FLAPS – sound of a piano being played by a board and missing
WHACKS – sound of a piano being played by an axe or hatchet[2]
CRACKS - what you get on a piano after it is played by an axe or hatchet
Many musicians refer to their instrument as an axe, possibly because ancient jam sessions used to have cutting sessions where musicians competed to see who played best.. Before the saxophone sections of the modern big band, swing bands actually had AX SECTIONS
straight axe - (soprano)
Axehorn - (alto)
axe backwards – (tenor)
lo-blo – (baritone axe)
bass ackward - (bass axe)
exactophone
axtone
blastophone
bad axe exactoplayer
slash axe
axecidental
Tommy Hawk
crashaxe
lead axe
C Melody Axe
Hackensack - bag for carrying axophone
hacksaw blades
Mike Hammer
hammer tone
hammered organ
no axe players allowed without proof of insurance
go-now
grapophone
scandisk
scandaldisk
flat axe
novaphone
backaxe
axeback
crash jack in the bax
richphone
box of axe
axtion
ACETONE
SNAPTONE (snap on - snap off - the snapper)
STRAPTONE (strap on-strap off-the strapper)
CRACKTONE (crack on-crack off-the cracker)
(crap on-crap off-the crapper)
SNUFFTONE (snuff on – snuff off – the snuffer)
NOTON – indicator light tells you if your instrument is turned on or off
NOTONE – mouthpiece with a hole in the side so you can practice without making noise
YOKO ONO TONE
ONOPHONE
NOSOPHONE
NOSETONE
NOODLE TONE – allows you to noodle softly while other musicians are playing
IKE TONE – lyric prompter that calls lyrics to the lead singer if she can’t remember
(named for Ike Turner who used to prompt Tina Turner.)
NOSETRONICS
ISOTONE
ONE TONE
TWO TONE
ONE TWO THREE FOUR TONE
BRASS TACKS
CRACKED ASS
BRASS TAX
CRASS ACT
BRASSOPHONE
LACTOPHONE=-
SOYATONE
AXE HOLE –indentations in a piano made by hitting it with an axe
WHOLE AXE
RAPID AXE GRAPHICS
LAST OF THE BATCH AXE
ACIDOGRAPHTONE
RING TONE
RONG TONE
TONE RUNG
RONG RUNG
TONELADDER—which rung are you on?
BREAKS – anywhere from 5 to 15 minutes taken by musicians for the purpose of
smoking marijuana
BREAKS – what you get in the tape after you press REWIND while the tape
is in FAST FORWARD mode
PICK UP BAND – it’s okay to pick up musicians but you get in trouble if you
try to pick up prostitutes.
BRAKES –what we hope the Pontiac has when we drive to the gig Saturday night
BENT HORN AND BENT HORN REMOVAL SYNDROME
PHONE JACK—(self explanatory)
PICK AXE
BATTLE AXE
SNARE DRUM – usually means to pick up an extra drum from an unwary drummer
TOM TOM
FLOOR TOM
BASS DRUM
TOM DICK AND HARRY DRUM
AXE MASTER
BEASTO
BEASTOSO
BEASTISSIMO
BLASTOSO
BLAST MASTER
BLUNT
BLUNTMASTER
TRAP DRUMS – uses drums as bait to snare unwary musicians
MU – legendary lost continent thought to have been populated by jazz musicians
TRAP SET – a set of traps, usually S M L and XL for catching small animals
TRAPS SET – usually by girl friends to catch a drummer for a boy friend for the purpose
of making him settle down and stop playing
LAUNDROMAT -- place for doing laundry in coin operated washing machines
ATONAL -- music consisting of only one tone, in this case an A natural.
ATTUNEMENT – in my experience it usually meant something like “All the Things
You Are” or “I’ll Remember April.”
ATONEMENT -- sometimes it could be F sharp or maybe a B natural or any of the
other tones. There are only 12 tones possible, but any number of possible
tunes.
CORNU (< L.) horn
NUMBER -- a marijuana cigarette smoked by musicians during a break
TECHNOPHONE
PHONOPHOBIA
TESTOSTEROPHONE
BROKEN PHONE
SEXOPHONE
PHONE SEX PHONE
PHONEY PHONE SEX PHONE
TESSLACHORD
BALONEY – a sandwich favored by Dr. Bologna of the Internet Institute
S.A. – short for Spanish American
SLANG --
S – Language spoken by Mexican Americans
SLING -- slang term meaning to sell dop indiscriminately, particularlymethamphetamine.
SLING -- what your ass will be in if you get caught selling methamphetamine
CON MOTO – with motion
CON BRIO – with brevity
CON DOM -- condominium
Chile Relleno – served with chile relleno
POCO A POCO -- little by little
BAND AGE -- usually the total age of all the musicians added together and divided by the number of members in the band.
BOND AGE – can vary from person to person but usually occurs sometime after the the onset of puberty and before the end of senescence. But it usually occurs.
LANGUAGE EXTRACTION -- basic, Cobol java ms-dos mos ASCII and binary
PRESS RELEASE – for cassette door to open
LEAD GUITAR
STEEL GUITAR
STOLEN GUITAR - $25
TOMMY HAWK - jazz disk jockey known to be a sharp dresser PHANTASMOGORAPHONE
BACK LASSIE – bad dog
HEAD ARRANGEMENT -- musical arrangement that is not written down but is kept in the heads of the musicians involved
HEAD ARRANGEMENT – a floor plan detailing the locations of rest rooms on a given floor or building
HEAD ARRANGEMENT -- an arrangement similar to the one Bill Clinton had with Monica Lewinsky that didn’t involve sex.
LEAD SHEETS -- you think those Babylonian clay tablets were heavy, these music sheets weigh too much to take to the gig but will shield you from atomic radiation
CHORD CHART – a diagram showing what chords to play in what measure.
CORD CHART -- a diagram telling where the amplifiers and electric sound equipment is meant to be plugged in
CATASTROPHONE –phonic --phrenia --phobia --phile
CORNIPHOBIA -- fear of corny music
CANTATA – Can Tata take us to the automated teller again this afternoon?
BURR -- it’s cold outside
BLOW -- to improvise playing music
BLOW JOB -- a professional engagement playing music and improvising
BLOWN JOB – fired from the music job for too much improvising
GIG – that’s 1,000 megabytes or 100,000 kilobytes.
BANG – getting a lot of enjoyment out of something
BANG – (extra-musical) sound made by pounding a non-keyboard part of a piano with your fist
BANG -- to fuck somebody on top of the piano
BHANG -- especially powerful cannabis from India
BONG – a device for smoking bhang.
SPADE – a small shovel for digging holes in dirt
HORN -- to administer a drug such as coke by nostril
TOOT – to sniff a drug like coke. he had to toot his own horn, but at least he had a horn to toot
BASS – a game fish caught by sports fishermen. Largemouth or smallmouth BACKSLASH -- an IBM dos prompt
4’ 33”—composition by John Cage during which a piano soloist does not play for four minutes and thirty-three seconds
5’15” – follow-up to 4’33” in which a French horn soloist doesn’t play for five minutes and fifteen seconds
GREATEST HITS – reissue of all of John Cage’s silent pieces, including 6’05” and the seldom-performed 1’37”
LIVE AT ROCKEFELLER CENTER – stunning performances of John Cage’s greatest works by the New York Philharmonic. Includes 33’42”, the famous ‘Silent Symphony’ by John Cage.
JAWBREAKER
JELLY DONUT
1st BASS – usually kissing on the first date
2ND BASS -- some symphony orchestras have two bass parts
3RD BASS -- there is no third bass
DEMO -- a recording made on an incomplete modem missing part of the demodulator and all of the modulator
BALLS – music played with a masculine aggressive quality, usually intended as a compliment, “He played with a lot of balls.”
CANTATA – Can’t Tata play timbales with us tonight?
SPADES – one of four suites in a deck of standard playing cards.
BALLS – pitches outside the strike zone. Too many pitches outside the strike zone and the batter can take the base on balls
N O M A N I S AN I S L A N D E C O M P L E T E UN T O HIMSELF BUT E A C H I S A PAR T O F T H E M A I N E L A N D E SAY THE OPEN PORT OF TAHITI
BOX BOYS
WRAP REMOVER -- it was the night before Xmas
OZONE – zero polarity
NOZONE -- couldn’t get to first bass
LOWZONE -- trying to get under a low overhead
SOLOW –
MUSIC TAPE
MAGNETIC TAPE
ACOUSTIC TAPE
ELECTRIC TAPE
DUCT TAPE
DUCK TAPE
TAPE DUCKS
TAPE DECKS
TAPE MEASURE
SCOTCH TAPE
BLANK TAPE
RHAPSODY—instrumental rap music
MIKE TEST
OPEN MIKE
MIKE LEVEL
MIKE BALANCE
MIKE MIKE
PITCH—to throw a ball at a batter
PITCH—try to sell somebody something they don’t want to buy BALLS—pitches outside the strike zone
BALL—to fuck somebody on top of a piano in a masculine aggressive manner
BALLED MEN – fucked men on top of the piano who don’t have hair on their head
BLOW (B-LOW)—music that doesn’t go below the pitch of B natural
PITCH BLEND—electronically combines two or more pitches like F# and A by substituting one for the other at a controlled rate of speed
PITCH BEND –curve ball
[2] In response to 4’33” by John Cage (in which a concert pianist sits at a piano for four minutes thirty three seconds and does not play) a piece was composed where a concert pianist takes an axe to a piano and demolishes it.
CLAPS – the sound of two hands clapping
SNAPS – sound of recording tape made by pressing REWIND while tape recorder is in
FAST FORWARD mode
WHAPS – Sound of a piano keyboard being played by the elbow.
SLAPS – piano keyboard played by the palm of the hand
THWACKS – sound of a piano keyboard being played by a 2” x 4” board.[1]
FLAPS – sound of a piano being played by a board and missing
WHACKS – sound of a piano being played by an axe or hatchet[2]
CRACKS - what you get on a piano after it is played by an axe or hatchet
Many musicians refer to their instrument as an axe, possibly because ancient jam sessions used to have cutting sessions where musicians competed to see who played best.. Before the saxophone sections of the modern big band, swing bands actually had AX SECTIONS
straight axe - (soprano)
Axehorn - (alto)
axe backwards – (tenor)
lo-blo – (baritone axe)
bass ackward - (bass axe)
exactophone
axtone
blastophone
bad axe exactoplayer
slash axe
axecidental
Tommy Hawk
crashaxe
lead axe
C Melody Axe
Hackensack - bag for carrying axophone
hacksaw blades
Mike Hammer
hammer tone
hammered organ
no axe players allowed without proof of insurance
go-now
grapophone
scandisk
scandaldisk
flat axe
novaphone
backaxe
axeback
crash jack in the bax
richphone
box of axe
axtion
ACETONE
SNAPTONE (snap on - snap off - the snapper)
STRAPTONE (strap on-strap off-the strapper)
CRACKTONE (crack on-crack off-the cracker)
(crap on-crap off-the crapper)
SNUFFTONE (snuff on – snuff off – the snuffer)
NOTON – indicator light tells you if your instrument is turned on or off
NOTONE – mouthpiece with a hole in the side so you can practice without making noise
YOKO ONO TONE
ONOPHONE
NOSOPHONE
NOSETONE
NOODLE TONE – allows you to noodle softly while other musicians are playing
IKE TONE – lyric prompter that calls lyrics to the lead singer if she can’t remember
(named for Ike Turner who used to prompt Tina Turner.)
NOSETRONICS
ISOTONE
ONE TONE
TWO TONE
ONE TWO THREE FOUR TONE
BRASS TACKS
CRACKED ASS
BRASS TAX
CRASS ACT
BRASSOPHONE
LACTOPHONE=-
SOYATONE
AXE HOLE –indentations in a piano made by hitting it with an axe
WHOLE AXE
RAPID AXE GRAPHICS
LAST OF THE BATCH AXE
ACIDOGRAPHTONE
RING TONE
RONG TONE
TONE RUNG
RONG RUNG
TONELADDER—which rung are you on?
BREAKS – anywhere from 5 to 15 minutes taken by musicians for the purpose of
smoking marijuana
BREAKS – what you get in the tape after you press REWIND while the tape
is in FAST FORWARD mode
PICK UP BAND – it’s okay to pick up musicians but you get in trouble if you
try to pick up prostitutes.
BRAKES –what we hope the Pontiac has when we drive to the gig Saturday night
BENT HORN AND BENT HORN REMOVAL SYNDROME
PHONE JACK—(self explanatory)
PICK AXE
BATTLE AXE
SNARE DRUM – usually means to pick up an extra drum from an unwary drummer
TOM TOM
FLOOR TOM
BASS DRUM
TOM DICK AND HARRY DRUM
AXE MASTER
BEASTO
BEASTOSO
BEASTISSIMO
BLASTOSO
BLAST MASTER
BLUNT
BLUNTMASTER
TRAP DRUMS – uses drums as bait to snare unwary musicians
MU – legendary lost continent thought to have been populated by jazz musicians
TRAP SET – a set of traps, usually S M L and XL for catching small animals
TRAPS SET – usually by girl friends to catch a drummer for a boy friend for the purpose
of making him settle down and stop playing
LAUNDROMAT -- place for doing laundry in coin operated washing machines
ATONAL -- music consisting of only one tone, in this case an A natural.
ATTUNEMENT – in my experience it usually meant something like “All the Things
You Are” or “I’ll Remember April.”
ATONEMENT -- sometimes it could be F sharp or maybe a B natural or any of the
other tones. There are only 12 tones possible, but any number of possible
tunes.
CORNU (< L.) horn
NUMBER -- a marijuana cigarette smoked by musicians during a break
TECHNOPHONE
PHONOPHOBIA
TESTOSTEROPHONE
BROKEN PHONE
SEXOPHONE
PHONE SEX PHONE
PHONEY PHONE SEX PHONE
TESSLACHORD
BALONEY – a sandwich favored by Dr. Bologna of the Internet Institute
S.A. – short for Spanish American
SLANG --
S – Language spoken by Mexican Americans
SLING -- slang term meaning to sell dop indiscriminately, particularlymethamphetamine.
SLING -- what your ass will be in if you get caught selling methamphetamine
CON MOTO – with motion
CON BRIO – with brevity
CON DOM -- condominium
Chile Relleno – served with chile relleno
POCO A POCO -- little by little
BAND AGE -- usually the total age of all the musicians added together and divided by the number of members in the band.
BOND AGE – can vary from person to person but usually occurs sometime after the the onset of puberty and before the end of senescence. But it usually occurs.
LANGUAGE EXTRACTION -- basic, Cobol java ms-dos mos ASCII and binary
PRESS RELEASE – for cassette door to open
LEAD GUITAR
STEEL GUITAR
STOLEN GUITAR - $25
TOMMY HAWK - jazz disk jockey known to be a sharp dresser PHANTASMOGORAPHONE
BACK LASSIE – bad dog
HEAD ARRANGEMENT -- musical arrangement that is not written down but is kept in the heads of the musicians involved
HEAD ARRANGEMENT – a floor plan detailing the locations of rest rooms on a given floor or building
HEAD ARRANGEMENT -- an arrangement similar to the one Bill Clinton had with Monica Lewinsky that didn’t involve sex.
LEAD SHEETS -- you think those Babylonian clay tablets were heavy, these music sheets weigh too much to take to the gig but will shield you from atomic radiation
CHORD CHART – a diagram showing what chords to play in what measure.
CORD CHART -- a diagram telling where the amplifiers and electric sound equipment is meant to be plugged in
CATASTROPHONE –phonic --phrenia --phobia --phile
CORNIPHOBIA -- fear of corny music
CANTATA – Can Tata take us to the automated teller again this afternoon?
BURR -- it’s cold outside
BLOW -- to improvise playing music
BLOW JOB -- a professional engagement playing music and improvising
BLOWN JOB – fired from the music job for too much improvising
GIG – that’s 1,000 megabytes or 100,000 kilobytes.
BANG – getting a lot of enjoyment out of something
BANG – (extra-musical) sound made by pounding a non-keyboard part of a piano with your fist
BANG -- to fuck somebody on top of the piano
BHANG -- especially powerful cannabis from India
BONG – a device for smoking bhang.
SPADE – a small shovel for digging holes in dirt
HORN -- to administer a drug such as coke by nostril
TOOT – to sniff a drug like coke. he had to toot his own horn, but at least he had a horn to toot
BASS – a game fish caught by sports fishermen. Largemouth or smallmouth BACKSLASH -- an IBM dos prompt
4’ 33”—composition by John Cage during which a piano soloist does not play for four minutes and thirty-three seconds
5’15” – follow-up to 4’33” in which a French horn soloist doesn’t play for five minutes and fifteen seconds
GREATEST HITS – reissue of all of John Cage’s silent pieces, including 6’05” and the seldom-performed 1’37”
LIVE AT ROCKEFELLER CENTER – stunning performances of John Cage’s greatest works by the New York Philharmonic. Includes 33’42”, the famous ‘Silent Symphony’ by John Cage.
JAWBREAKER
JELLY DONUT
1st BASS – usually kissing on the first date
2ND BASS -- some symphony orchestras have two bass parts
3RD BASS -- there is no third bass
DEMO -- a recording made on an incomplete modem missing part of the demodulator and all of the modulator
BALLS – music played with a masculine aggressive quality, usually intended as a compliment, “He played with a lot of balls.”
CANTATA – Can’t Tata play timbales with us tonight?
SPADES – one of four suites in a deck of standard playing cards.
BALLS – pitches outside the strike zone. Too many pitches outside the strike zone and the batter can take the base on balls
N O M A N I S AN I S L A N D E C O M P L E T E UN T O HIMSELF BUT E A C H I S A PAR T O F T H E M A I N E L A N D E SAY THE OPEN PORT OF TAHITI
BOX BOYS
WRAP REMOVER -- it was the night before Xmas
OZONE – zero polarity
NOZONE -- couldn’t get to first bass
LOWZONE -- trying to get under a low overhead
SOLOW –
MUSIC TAPE
MAGNETIC TAPE
ACOUSTIC TAPE
ELECTRIC TAPE
DUCT TAPE
DUCK TAPE
TAPE DUCKS
TAPE DECKS
TAPE MEASURE
SCOTCH TAPE
BLANK TAPE
RHAPSODY—instrumental rap music
MIKE TEST
OPEN MIKE
MIKE LEVEL
MIKE BALANCE
MIKE MIKE
PITCH—to throw a ball at a batter
PITCH—try to sell somebody something they don’t want to buy BALLS—pitches outside the strike zone
BALL—to fuck somebody on top of a piano in a masculine aggressive manner
BALLED MEN – fucked men on top of the piano who don’t have hair on their head
BLOW (B-LOW)—music that doesn’t go below the pitch of B natural
PITCH BLEND—electronically combines two or more pitches like F# and A by substituting one for the other at a controlled rate of speed
PITCH BEND –curve ball
FOOTNOTES
__________________
[1] Charles Ives (in his Piano Sonata) notated a tone cluster that could only be articulated by placing a 2”x4” on the piano keyboard and pressing down.[2] In response to 4’33” by John Cage (in which a concert pianist sits at a piano for four minutes thirty three seconds and does not play) a piece was composed where a concert pianist takes an axe to a piano and demolishes it.
MOMENTS OF INDECISION
The following story is written about three fictional characters who somehow escaped the printed page and took on a life of their own. Eventually they became American icons, scientists, politicians and educators of great renown who greatly influenced the world of ideas, although for me the separation between reality and fiction has become forever blurred.
Early in their careers, Senator Eugene Malarkey, 5 Star General George Bologna, and Professor Lotta Hooey participated in a controversial seminar which led to the development of a radical theory of philosophy known as the Three Precepts. It revolutionized philosophy and fueled academic debate for the next 30 years.
Although each went on to outstanding accomplishment in their individual fields, it is the Three Precepts for which they are most famous. After their retirement, Bologna and Malarkey were granted honorary doctorate degrees and took seats on the Board of Advisors of the faculty of Southern Alcoholics University alongside Hooey.
Dr. Malarkey, of Irish descent, began his career as a television talk show host and eventually won a seat on the U.S. Senate, where he served until term limits forced him to retire. He believed that the truth or falsehood of a thing had no relevance as long as it sounded like a good idea. He also said that falsehood could be used to demonstrate truth as well as vice versa.
Dr. Bologna began as an assistant meat cutter for Safeway. But he went on to a distinguished career in the military where he served until they couldn’t stand him any longer. He is famous for running it up the flagpole to see if it doesn’t wave. He also said, “It may be sausage to you, but it’s still baloney to me.”
Dr. Hooey, the celebrated Asian America academician and educator still teaches English and conducts research into possible uses of inept or inferior ideas to achieve greatness. In recent years he has begun to experience intermittent memory loss.
The basic tenets of the philosophy are called Precepts. They are considered to be Half Truths which in themselves have no meaning at all.
The First Precept is “Walt Whitman walks at midnight.”
The Second Precept is “I’m not what I am, but neither are you.”
The Third Precept is “Ears of Corn.”
The following discussion was conducted at a seminar in which Drs. Malarkey, Bologna, and Hooey were asked to participate on the Campus of Southern Alcoholics University as a function of Future Alcoholics of America.
Although the three eminent Academicians are considered to have contributed equally to the creation of the philosophy, in recent years debate in academic circles has centered around who contributed what and the relative creative importance of each to the development of the whole theory.
If the Three Precepts were to be correctly understood by future generations, it was important that as much as possible be found out now while Malarkey and Bologna were still alive and Hooey could still remember.
First the students debate among themselves, after which the eminent professors are invited to participate in a question and answer session. The seminar concludes with brief introductory remarks by each speaker. If this order seems backward, bear in mind that before the introduction of the Three Precepts, everything seemed backward.
One of the students began the discussion by saying, “In my opinion, the theory was 70% Malarkey, 20% Bologna, and 10% Hooey.”
Supporters of Hooey retaliated, “It was more Hooey than Malarkey, and I’ve read enough Bologna to know for sure.”
Another student raised his hand and said, “Listen, Bologna and mayonnaise makes a good sandwich, but so does mustard. This whole Hooey business is strictly Malarkey!”
Eventually the esteemed progenitors of the philosophy joined the question and answer session to straighten out the controversy.
“Baloney!” said Bologna, “Malarkey never created anything.”
One of the students raised his hand. “But didn’t Hooey use some of Malarkey’s ideas, namely that truth could be proven by falsehood, to create the theory?”
“Yes, it’s based on Malarkey’s ideas, but he didn’t create it. Hooey did.”
“So it’s not just a bunch of Hooey, then?”
“Well, it’s mostly Hooey, but some of it is Malarkey.”
Dr. Hooey rose and took center stage. “I’d like to clear up some misconceptions,” said Hooey, “but I can’t remember what they are.”
There was nervous laughter.
“The first misconception is Walt Whitman did not walk at midnight. It was 12:30.”
Everybody laughed.
“The third misconception is Walt Whitman didn’t write ‘Ears of Corn’. He wrote ‘Leaves of Grass.’”
An expectant hush fell over the auditorium as the audience waited for Hooey’s next remark.
“And the second misconception is, ‘I am not what I am, but neither are you.’”
A student asked, “But isn’t that the same as the Second Precept?
“Exactly,” said Hooey. “The Precept is a misconception.”
Another student queried, “But these Precepts are considered to be Half Truths. Even if you can prove truth with falseness, how can you make a Half Truth out of a misconception?”
Malarkey remarked, “Well, that certainly does prove the ineptness of great ideas.”
Bologna countered, “Senator, you are splitting hairs. You may run it up the flagpole, but I still will not salute the flag!”
Hooey said, “General Bologna, you could be replaced by a Braunschweiger on Rye. But the most important thing Walt Whitman ever did was put his name on a box of chocolates.”
Bologna said, “Sir, you have been spending too much time on the Internet. Even Arnold Braunschweiger knows it is not the ineptness that is great, but the inept ideas that come from it.”
Malarkey said, “Definitely a lot of Hooey! But regardless of the truth or falsehood, it’s no excuse to wear your flag at half-mast all day. I created it all. It was all Malarkey!”
After the debate, the students voted. They concluded that while the theory was mostly
Hooey, it was at least 17% Bologna and the rest was pure Malarkey.
Early in their careers, Senator Eugene Malarkey, 5 Star General George Bologna, and Professor Lotta Hooey participated in a controversial seminar which led to the development of a radical theory of philosophy known as the Three Precepts. It revolutionized philosophy and fueled academic debate for the next 30 years.
Although each went on to outstanding accomplishment in their individual fields, it is the Three Precepts for which they are most famous. After their retirement, Bologna and Malarkey were granted honorary doctorate degrees and took seats on the Board of Advisors of the faculty of Southern Alcoholics University alongside Hooey.
Dr. Malarkey, of Irish descent, began his career as a television talk show host and eventually won a seat on the U.S. Senate, where he served until term limits forced him to retire. He believed that the truth or falsehood of a thing had no relevance as long as it sounded like a good idea. He also said that falsehood could be used to demonstrate truth as well as vice versa.
Dr. Bologna began as an assistant meat cutter for Safeway. But he went on to a distinguished career in the military where he served until they couldn’t stand him any longer. He is famous for running it up the flagpole to see if it doesn’t wave. He also said, “It may be sausage to you, but it’s still baloney to me.”
Dr. Hooey, the celebrated Asian America academician and educator still teaches English and conducts research into possible uses of inept or inferior ideas to achieve greatness. In recent years he has begun to experience intermittent memory loss.
The basic tenets of the philosophy are called Precepts. They are considered to be Half Truths which in themselves have no meaning at all.
The First Precept is “Walt Whitman walks at midnight.”
The Second Precept is “I’m not what I am, but neither are you.”
The Third Precept is “Ears of Corn.”
The following discussion was conducted at a seminar in which Drs. Malarkey, Bologna, and Hooey were asked to participate on the Campus of Southern Alcoholics University as a function of Future Alcoholics of America.
Although the three eminent Academicians are considered to have contributed equally to the creation of the philosophy, in recent years debate in academic circles has centered around who contributed what and the relative creative importance of each to the development of the whole theory.
If the Three Precepts were to be correctly understood by future generations, it was important that as much as possible be found out now while Malarkey and Bologna were still alive and Hooey could still remember.
First the students debate among themselves, after which the eminent professors are invited to participate in a question and answer session. The seminar concludes with brief introductory remarks by each speaker. If this order seems backward, bear in mind that before the introduction of the Three Precepts, everything seemed backward.
One of the students began the discussion by saying, “In my opinion, the theory was 70% Malarkey, 20% Bologna, and 10% Hooey.”
Supporters of Hooey retaliated, “It was more Hooey than Malarkey, and I’ve read enough Bologna to know for sure.”
Another student raised his hand and said, “Listen, Bologna and mayonnaise makes a good sandwich, but so does mustard. This whole Hooey business is strictly Malarkey!”
Eventually the esteemed progenitors of the philosophy joined the question and answer session to straighten out the controversy.
“Baloney!” said Bologna, “Malarkey never created anything.”
One of the students raised his hand. “But didn’t Hooey use some of Malarkey’s ideas, namely that truth could be proven by falsehood, to create the theory?”
“Yes, it’s based on Malarkey’s ideas, but he didn’t create it. Hooey did.”
“So it’s not just a bunch of Hooey, then?”
“Well, it’s mostly Hooey, but some of it is Malarkey.”
Dr. Hooey rose and took center stage. “I’d like to clear up some misconceptions,” said Hooey, “but I can’t remember what they are.”
There was nervous laughter.
“The first misconception is Walt Whitman did not walk at midnight. It was 12:30.”
Everybody laughed.
“The third misconception is Walt Whitman didn’t write ‘Ears of Corn’. He wrote ‘Leaves of Grass.’”
An expectant hush fell over the auditorium as the audience waited for Hooey’s next remark.
“And the second misconception is, ‘I am not what I am, but neither are you.’”
A student asked, “But isn’t that the same as the Second Precept?
“Exactly,” said Hooey. “The Precept is a misconception.”
Another student queried, “But these Precepts are considered to be Half Truths. Even if you can prove truth with falseness, how can you make a Half Truth out of a misconception?”
Malarkey remarked, “Well, that certainly does prove the ineptness of great ideas.”
Bologna countered, “Senator, you are splitting hairs. You may run it up the flagpole, but I still will not salute the flag!”
Hooey said, “General Bologna, you could be replaced by a Braunschweiger on Rye. But the most important thing Walt Whitman ever did was put his name on a box of chocolates.”
Bologna said, “Sir, you have been spending too much time on the Internet. Even Arnold Braunschweiger knows it is not the ineptness that is great, but the inept ideas that come from it.”
Malarkey said, “Definitely a lot of Hooey! But regardless of the truth or falsehood, it’s no excuse to wear your flag at half-mast all day. I created it all. It was all Malarkey!”
After the debate, the students voted. They concluded that while the theory was mostly
Hooey, it was at least 17% Bologna and the rest was pure Malarkey.
ACCU-VAC 8400
The new Accu-Vac 8400 is the most powerful vacuum cleaner ever marketed for domestic use. Stronger than most industrial strength vacuum cleaners, the AV-8400 has been featured in television ads vacuuming up live chickens, so I guess that proves the AV-8400 literally “sucks cocks.” While this raised a lot of controversy from animal rights advocates, by and large the public response to the vacuum cleaner was enthusiastic. Most people said, “This vacuum SUCKS!”
There were some adverse reactions, however. “That cock sucking vacuum cleaner ate my shoes!” complained one customer.
A male hustler said the AV-8400 caused him to have to have a half-price sale.
Some endorsements came from unconventional sources. A homophobic ex-weightlifter said, “I don’t usually like to vacuum, I just like to push that cocksucker around.”
Accu-Vac recently announced the release of a new blow-dry accessory that attaches to the AV-8400 to enable you to give your partner a professional quality blow dry. “There’s nothing like a professional blow job from the AV-8400.”
Asked if there was a danger that other small animals would be vacuumed up , a spokesperson for the AV-8400 said, “To date nothing larger than a small dog.”
In a related story, Psychedelphia, a suburb of Acidopolis, announced the appointment of Rafael “Sticks” Hudson to the position of Head Ass-Catcher for animal control. Criticized by some as a glorified dogcatcher, the position actually confers no more authority than any other dogcatcher. The position requires specialist training and certain other abilities not expected of ordinary dogcatchers. An Ass, also known as a donkey or a burro, while smaller than a horse, is larger than any other species currently under animal control. You can’t send a dogcatcher to pick up an ass. But an ass-catcher, trained to pick up a small horse, is qualified to pick up any kind of dog. Likewise, a dogcatcher can pick up a stray cat, but you can’t send a cat catcher to pick up a stray dog. A cat catcher can pick up a stray mouse or a bird, but you wouldn’t send a mouse catcher to pick up a cat. That would be ridiculous. On the other hand, an ass catcher specializes in catching ass but doesn’t have the authority to pick up a human being. Although they could probably pick up some children as long as they were smaller than horses.
At high velocity the Accu-Vac 8400 vibrates so hard it jerks its own self off.
VAROOM Vacuum Cleaner Sales and Service specializing in the Accu-Vac 8400 has introduced the new Hand-Vac accessory that allows you to vacuum yourself off as well as vacuum other people. This way you could suck yourself off before going out and giving professional blowjobs to other people.
Accused of vacuuming small children, a spokesperson replied, “That kid was as big as a small horse.”
Because dogs don’t vacuum small children, they blow dry them.
Psychedelphia city council proposed changing the name of the city to Psychodelphia to keep up with the times.
Truant Officer T. J. Hookey was sent to investigate a wave of absences in public schools.
Socially, Distortion means the static introduced in television reception when operating a vacuum cleaner.
Acidopolis police were unable to prevent the vacuuming of a small dog with a Horse-Vac but were able to issue citations for operating a cocksucker without a permit.
Laboratory spiders on LSD wove distorted webs, but the Spider-Vac vacuumed them out of the back of the radio.
“Hey, kid, wanna make $5.00?”
“I’ll take you up on the hand job if I don’t get any better offers, but I’ll have to charge you $10.00.”
“I guess this is where I get off,” said the I.V. drug user, getting out his syringe to shoot some dope.
“That sucks,” said Ass-catcher “Sticks’ Hudson.
There were some adverse reactions, however. “That cock sucking vacuum cleaner ate my shoes!” complained one customer.
A male hustler said the AV-8400 caused him to have to have a half-price sale.
Some endorsements came from unconventional sources. A homophobic ex-weightlifter said, “I don’t usually like to vacuum, I just like to push that cocksucker around.”
Accu-Vac recently announced the release of a new blow-dry accessory that attaches to the AV-8400 to enable you to give your partner a professional quality blow dry. “There’s nothing like a professional blow job from the AV-8400.”
Asked if there was a danger that other small animals would be vacuumed up , a spokesperson for the AV-8400 said, “To date nothing larger than a small dog.”
In a related story, Psychedelphia, a suburb of Acidopolis, announced the appointment of Rafael “Sticks” Hudson to the position of Head Ass-Catcher for animal control. Criticized by some as a glorified dogcatcher, the position actually confers no more authority than any other dogcatcher. The position requires specialist training and certain other abilities not expected of ordinary dogcatchers. An Ass, also known as a donkey or a burro, while smaller than a horse, is larger than any other species currently under animal control. You can’t send a dogcatcher to pick up an ass. But an ass-catcher, trained to pick up a small horse, is qualified to pick up any kind of dog. Likewise, a dogcatcher can pick up a stray cat, but you can’t send a cat catcher to pick up a stray dog. A cat catcher can pick up a stray mouse or a bird, but you wouldn’t send a mouse catcher to pick up a cat. That would be ridiculous. On the other hand, an ass catcher specializes in catching ass but doesn’t have the authority to pick up a human being. Although they could probably pick up some children as long as they were smaller than horses.
At high velocity the Accu-Vac 8400 vibrates so hard it jerks its own self off.
VAROOM Vacuum Cleaner Sales and Service specializing in the Accu-Vac 8400 has introduced the new Hand-Vac accessory that allows you to vacuum yourself off as well as vacuum other people. This way you could suck yourself off before going out and giving professional blowjobs to other people.
Accused of vacuuming small children, a spokesperson replied, “That kid was as big as a small horse.”
Because dogs don’t vacuum small children, they blow dry them.
Psychedelphia city council proposed changing the name of the city to Psychodelphia to keep up with the times.
Truant Officer T. J. Hookey was sent to investigate a wave of absences in public schools.
Socially, Distortion means the static introduced in television reception when operating a vacuum cleaner.
Acidopolis police were unable to prevent the vacuuming of a small dog with a Horse-Vac but were able to issue citations for operating a cocksucker without a permit.
Laboratory spiders on LSD wove distorted webs, but the Spider-Vac vacuumed them out of the back of the radio.
“Hey, kid, wanna make $5.00?”
“I’ll take you up on the hand job if I don’t get any better offers, but I’ll have to charge you $10.00.”
“I guess this is where I get off,” said the I.V. drug user, getting out his syringe to shoot some dope.
“That sucks,” said Ass-catcher “Sticks’ Hudson.
DOG DAYS
So I turned 57 years old. That’s 399 in dog years, figuring 7 dog years to one human year. 570 in rabbit years. Marguerite’s dog Sweeter is 140 in people years. So she’s 140 and I’m 399. Next year I’ll be 406.
But that’s not entirely accurate, considering dogs turn a year older every 53 days. About a month and a half. So time is really zipping by for them while it’s passing at a not too leisurely pace for us.
I don’t know about parakeet years.
A lot of people figure years in “jail time” even though they haven’t been in jail the whole time. In jail time you get time off your sentence for “good time” and “work time”. Everybody gets one day off for every two days served, meaning that you get 3 days credit for every two days served. Get three years sentence, do two.
Do two years and it seems like three—so everything seems longer.
Considering 57 years is enough time to save about 10,574 hours of daylight savings time.
They say everything is relative—but we don’t know how fast our solar system is traveling so we don’t know how many light years old we are.
I stand on the street. I panhandle for a few minutes, asking passers by for spare change to cover up the fact that I am a rich successful dope dealer. I make about $10 panhandling. If I can’t make minimum wage it’s not worth begging for. Then I make a dope delivery for $250.
Obviously dope dealing pays better than panhandling.
Lisa will be pregnant 56 months in dog time. That’s a little over four years and two months.
Convert to the Drug Standard. The drug world moves on its own schedule independent of everything else. Predictably anywhere from 3 hours to 5 days late.
“Fruit Fly Years.”
But you can’t compare a fruit fly’s life span to a human being’s because people don’t go through a four stage metamorphosis, There’s no way to compare a pupa or a cocoon to a human teenager or infants to a larva.
Even though fruit flies go through their entire life cycle in less than 24 hours.
There is a pattern here. Not a seamless pattern. Not a faultless pattern. But a pattern. It’s obvious that if more people measured their lives in dog years they’d have a lot more time on their hands.
But that’s not entirely accurate, considering dogs turn a year older every 53 days. About a month and a half. So time is really zipping by for them while it’s passing at a not too leisurely pace for us.
I don’t know about parakeet years.
A lot of people figure years in “jail time” even though they haven’t been in jail the whole time. In jail time you get time off your sentence for “good time” and “work time”. Everybody gets one day off for every two days served, meaning that you get 3 days credit for every two days served. Get three years sentence, do two.
Do two years and it seems like three—so everything seems longer.
Considering 57 years is enough time to save about 10,574 hours of daylight savings time.
They say everything is relative—but we don’t know how fast our solar system is traveling so we don’t know how many light years old we are.
I stand on the street. I panhandle for a few minutes, asking passers by for spare change to cover up the fact that I am a rich successful dope dealer. I make about $10 panhandling. If I can’t make minimum wage it’s not worth begging for. Then I make a dope delivery for $250.
Obviously dope dealing pays better than panhandling.
Lisa will be pregnant 56 months in dog time. That’s a little over four years and two months.
Convert to the Drug Standard. The drug world moves on its own schedule independent of everything else. Predictably anywhere from 3 hours to 5 days late.
“Fruit Fly Years.”
But you can’t compare a fruit fly’s life span to a human being’s because people don’t go through a four stage metamorphosis, There’s no way to compare a pupa or a cocoon to a human teenager or infants to a larva.
Even though fruit flies go through their entire life cycle in less than 24 hours.
There is a pattern here. Not a seamless pattern. Not a faultless pattern. But a pattern. It’s obvious that if more people measured their lives in dog years they’d have a lot more time on their hands.
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