SATANISM

Before we begin let me make a disclaimer. Satan does not actually exist. It’s merely an abstract concept and has no existence as an individual being.

And let’s clear this up right at the beginning, too. I have never sold my soul to the devil. Although it’s true I used to rent it out on weekends.

Actually I had the contract all drawn up and I was getting time payments on it each month until they defaulted on their payments. So I had to foreclose on the deal and repossess my own soul.

The Soul—that’s something else that might not exist. It doesn’t weigh anything. You can’t see it, hear it, touch it. feel it, smell it. It only becomes active after you’re dead and there’s no way to prove that one way or the other. It’s just a scam created by the Catholic Church to keep their congregation in line. It’s not worth anything.

In fact if you meet somebody who wants you to sell them your soul, put them in touch with me. I’ve got a bridge they might also be interested in buying.



Actually I met Satan. He was in the parking lot. I walked up to him. I said, “Hey, you’re just an ordinary human being.”

He said, “I know. It’s my nickname. I’ve had it since high school.”


In Satanism everything is called by its opposite. When I say “I hate you” it means “I love you”. When I say “I love you” it means “I hate you.”

One day a Christian friend of mine came to visit. She said, “Praise the Lord!”

I said, “Forgive her, Holy Satan, she doesn’t mean what she says.”

She said, “Bless you, Jesus.”

I said, “Forgive her, Holy Satan. She doesn’t know what she is saying.”

Finally I couldn’t stand it any longer. I lost my temper and yelled at her, “GOD BLESS YOU. GO TO HEAVEN!”