The following story is written about three fictional characters who somehow escaped the printed page and took on a life of their own. Eventually they became American icons, scientists, politicians and educators of great renown who greatly influenced the world of ideas, although for me the separation between reality and fiction has become forever blurred.
Early in their careers, Senator Eugene Malarkey, 5 Star General George Bologna, and Professor Lotta Hooey participated in a controversial seminar which led to the development of a radical theory of philosophy known as the Three Precepts. It revolutionized philosophy and fueled academic debate for the next 30 years.
Although each went on to outstanding accomplishment in their individual fields, it is the Three Precepts for which they are most famous. After their retirement, Bologna and Malarkey were granted honorary doctorate degrees and took seats on the Board of Advisors of the faculty of Southern Alcoholics University alongside Hooey.
Dr. Malarkey, of Irish descent, began his career as a television talk show host and eventually won a seat on the U.S. Senate, where he served until term limits forced him to retire. He believed that the truth or falsehood of a thing had no relevance as long as it sounded like a good idea. He also said that falsehood could be used to demonstrate truth as well as vice versa.
Dr. Bologna began as an assistant meat cutter for Safeway. But he went on to a distinguished career in the military where he served until they couldn’t stand him any longer. He is famous for running it up the flagpole to see if it doesn’t wave. He also said, “It may be sausage to you, but it’s still baloney to me.”
Dr. Hooey, the celebrated Asian America academician and educator still teaches English and conducts research into possible uses of inept or inferior ideas to achieve greatness. In recent years he has begun to experience intermittent memory loss.
The basic tenets of the philosophy are called Precepts. They are considered to be Half Truths which in themselves have no meaning at all.
The First Precept is “Walt Whitman walks at midnight.”
The Second Precept is “I’m not what I am, but neither are you.”
The Third Precept is “Ears of Corn.”
The following discussion was conducted at a seminar in which Drs. Malarkey, Bologna, and Hooey were asked to participate on the Campus of Southern Alcoholics University as a function of Future Alcoholics of America.
Although the three eminent Academicians are considered to have contributed equally to the creation of the philosophy, in recent years debate in academic circles has centered around who contributed what and the relative creative importance of each to the development of the whole theory.
If the Three Precepts were to be correctly understood by future generations, it was important that as much as possible be found out now while Malarkey and Bologna were still alive and Hooey could still remember.
First the students debate among themselves, after which the eminent professors are invited to participate in a question and answer session. The seminar concludes with brief introductory remarks by each speaker. If this order seems backward, bear in mind that before the introduction of the Three Precepts, everything seemed backward.
One of the students began the discussion by saying, “In my opinion, the theory was 70% Malarkey, 20% Bologna, and 10% Hooey.”
Supporters of Hooey retaliated, “It was more Hooey than Malarkey, and I’ve read enough Bologna to know for sure.”
Another student raised his hand and said, “Listen, Bologna and mayonnaise makes a good sandwich, but so does mustard. This whole Hooey business is strictly Malarkey!”
Eventually the esteemed progenitors of the philosophy joined the question and answer session to straighten out the controversy.
“Baloney!” said Bologna, “Malarkey never created anything.”
One of the students raised his hand. “But didn’t Hooey use some of Malarkey’s ideas, namely that truth could be proven by falsehood, to create the theory?”
“Yes, it’s based on Malarkey’s ideas, but he didn’t create it. Hooey did.”
“So it’s not just a bunch of Hooey, then?”
“Well, it’s mostly Hooey, but some of it is Malarkey.”
Dr. Hooey rose and took center stage. “I’d like to clear up some misconceptions,” said Hooey, “but I can’t remember what they are.”
There was nervous laughter.
“The first misconception is Walt Whitman did not walk at midnight. It was 12:30.”
Everybody laughed.
“The third misconception is Walt Whitman didn’t write ‘Ears of Corn’. He wrote ‘Leaves of Grass.’”
An expectant hush fell over the auditorium as the audience waited for Hooey’s next remark.
“And the second misconception is, ‘I am not what I am, but neither are you.’”
A student asked, “But isn’t that the same as the Second Precept?
“Exactly,” said Hooey. “The Precept is a misconception.”
Another student queried, “But these Precepts are considered to be Half Truths. Even if you can prove truth with falseness, how can you make a Half Truth out of a misconception?”
Malarkey remarked, “Well, that certainly does prove the ineptness of great ideas.”
Bologna countered, “Senator, you are splitting hairs. You may run it up the flagpole, but I still will not salute the flag!”
Hooey said, “General Bologna, you could be replaced by a Braunschweiger on Rye. But the most important thing Walt Whitman ever did was put his name on a box of chocolates.”
Bologna said, “Sir, you have been spending too much time on the Internet. Even Arnold Braunschweiger knows it is not the ineptness that is great, but the inept ideas that come from it.”
Malarkey said, “Definitely a lot of Hooey! But regardless of the truth or falsehood, it’s no excuse to wear your flag at half-mast all day. I created it all. It was all Malarkey!”
After the debate, the students voted. They concluded that while the theory was mostly
Hooey, it was at least 17% Bologna and the rest was pure Malarkey.
Early in their careers, Senator Eugene Malarkey, 5 Star General George Bologna, and Professor Lotta Hooey participated in a controversial seminar which led to the development of a radical theory of philosophy known as the Three Precepts. It revolutionized philosophy and fueled academic debate for the next 30 years.
Although each went on to outstanding accomplishment in their individual fields, it is the Three Precepts for which they are most famous. After their retirement, Bologna and Malarkey were granted honorary doctorate degrees and took seats on the Board of Advisors of the faculty of Southern Alcoholics University alongside Hooey.
Dr. Malarkey, of Irish descent, began his career as a television talk show host and eventually won a seat on the U.S. Senate, where he served until term limits forced him to retire. He believed that the truth or falsehood of a thing had no relevance as long as it sounded like a good idea. He also said that falsehood could be used to demonstrate truth as well as vice versa.
Dr. Bologna began as an assistant meat cutter for Safeway. But he went on to a distinguished career in the military where he served until they couldn’t stand him any longer. He is famous for running it up the flagpole to see if it doesn’t wave. He also said, “It may be sausage to you, but it’s still baloney to me.”
Dr. Hooey, the celebrated Asian America academician and educator still teaches English and conducts research into possible uses of inept or inferior ideas to achieve greatness. In recent years he has begun to experience intermittent memory loss.
The basic tenets of the philosophy are called Precepts. They are considered to be Half Truths which in themselves have no meaning at all.
The First Precept is “Walt Whitman walks at midnight.”
The Second Precept is “I’m not what I am, but neither are you.”
The Third Precept is “Ears of Corn.”
The following discussion was conducted at a seminar in which Drs. Malarkey, Bologna, and Hooey were asked to participate on the Campus of Southern Alcoholics University as a function of Future Alcoholics of America.
Although the three eminent Academicians are considered to have contributed equally to the creation of the philosophy, in recent years debate in academic circles has centered around who contributed what and the relative creative importance of each to the development of the whole theory.
If the Three Precepts were to be correctly understood by future generations, it was important that as much as possible be found out now while Malarkey and Bologna were still alive and Hooey could still remember.
First the students debate among themselves, after which the eminent professors are invited to participate in a question and answer session. The seminar concludes with brief introductory remarks by each speaker. If this order seems backward, bear in mind that before the introduction of the Three Precepts, everything seemed backward.
One of the students began the discussion by saying, “In my opinion, the theory was 70% Malarkey, 20% Bologna, and 10% Hooey.”
Supporters of Hooey retaliated, “It was more Hooey than Malarkey, and I’ve read enough Bologna to know for sure.”
Another student raised his hand and said, “Listen, Bologna and mayonnaise makes a good sandwich, but so does mustard. This whole Hooey business is strictly Malarkey!”
Eventually the esteemed progenitors of the philosophy joined the question and answer session to straighten out the controversy.
“Baloney!” said Bologna, “Malarkey never created anything.”
One of the students raised his hand. “But didn’t Hooey use some of Malarkey’s ideas, namely that truth could be proven by falsehood, to create the theory?”
“Yes, it’s based on Malarkey’s ideas, but he didn’t create it. Hooey did.”
“So it’s not just a bunch of Hooey, then?”
“Well, it’s mostly Hooey, but some of it is Malarkey.”
Dr. Hooey rose and took center stage. “I’d like to clear up some misconceptions,” said Hooey, “but I can’t remember what they are.”
There was nervous laughter.
“The first misconception is Walt Whitman did not walk at midnight. It was 12:30.”
Everybody laughed.
“The third misconception is Walt Whitman didn’t write ‘Ears of Corn’. He wrote ‘Leaves of Grass.’”
An expectant hush fell over the auditorium as the audience waited for Hooey’s next remark.
“And the second misconception is, ‘I am not what I am, but neither are you.’”
A student asked, “But isn’t that the same as the Second Precept?
“Exactly,” said Hooey. “The Precept is a misconception.”
Another student queried, “But these Precepts are considered to be Half Truths. Even if you can prove truth with falseness, how can you make a Half Truth out of a misconception?”
Malarkey remarked, “Well, that certainly does prove the ineptness of great ideas.”
Bologna countered, “Senator, you are splitting hairs. You may run it up the flagpole, but I still will not salute the flag!”
Hooey said, “General Bologna, you could be replaced by a Braunschweiger on Rye. But the most important thing Walt Whitman ever did was put his name on a box of chocolates.”
Bologna said, “Sir, you have been spending too much time on the Internet. Even Arnold Braunschweiger knows it is not the ineptness that is great, but the inept ideas that come from it.”
Malarkey said, “Definitely a lot of Hooey! But regardless of the truth or falsehood, it’s no excuse to wear your flag at half-mast all day. I created it all. It was all Malarkey!”
After the debate, the students voted. They concluded that while the theory was mostly
Hooey, it was at least 17% Bologna and the rest was pure Malarkey.
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