First Monolog

Good evening ladies and gentlemen.. I’m very happy to be here.

Whenever people first meet me, they always want to know everything about me. By the way, this is all the original equipment. What you see is what you get. Nothing added, nothing taken away.

I had a normal childhood.

When I was just a tiny baby, my mother tried to breast feed me. But something went wrong.

I must have been awfully hungry because I bit my mother’s breast and it bled. I never saw another woman’s breast until I was eighteen years old.

(Soggy Cereal)

Speaking of being hungry, does anybody like to eat cereal for breakfast? Let’s see a show of hands, how many like cereal? That many? And I like cereal, too.

Have any of you tried this kind that’s guaranteed not to get soggy when you pour milk on it?

DUH!

Hello! Am I missing something, here?

If you didn’t want the cereal to get soggy, why did you pour milk on it in the first place?

Well, there is this brand of cereal called Kix or Trix or whatever and they invested all this money into it for scientific research and this cereal is guaranteed to not get soggy in milk.

You can pour milk on it and still have time to answer the door, talk on the phone, make breakfast, get the kids off to school, do your nails, vacuum the living room and it still won’t be soggy.

Nothing you can do will make it soggy.

You can hold it underwater, punch holes in it, hit it with a hammer, grind it into dust with a pair of pliers.

It will still be just as crispy as it was when you poured the milk on it.

About the only thing that has any effect is to take the bowl with the milk and cereal in it and put it in the back of the refrigerator and forget about it for about three days or a week.

Then instead of crispy little chunks you get slimy little globs and in the middle of each glob is a tiny little bead that’s –you guessed it!

THAT’S STILL NOT SOGGY!!!!

I don’t know about you, but I want a cereal that’s guaranteed to get soggy in milk!



(Straight Comedian)

When I first started wanting to do Standup comedy, I wanted to push the envelope. Do my own thing.. Innovate. Do something that had never been done before.

Then it hit me. I said, I know. I’ll write jokes that aren’t funny.

I’ll be the first straight comedian.

Unfortunately, the audience wasn’t ready for it. It went right over their heads.

Not only did it make them bored, it turned them into boards.

We’re talking real wood, here. Solid lumber.

That’s bored stiff.

Which isn’t a very nice thing to do to anybody, especially if you were trying to make them laugh.

I thought I heard somebody snoring. But they were really sawing wood.

Somebody thought their grandmother was a table leg.



(Drive-By)

I never thought I could get into too much trouble doing comedy up here. Just me, a microphone, and a small audience made up mostly of a few of my friends.

But each one of you hears one thing I say, and you go home and tell it to your friend, and your friend tells his friend

and next thing I know I read in the newspaper that I’m accused to three drive-by shootings and an attempted suicide.

WHAT I REALLY SAID WAS!!:

“I almost died up here last night, but I really killed them two weeks ago in Pittsburgh.”



Oh well, what is life but brief moments of lucidity separated by long periods of insensitivity and pain!



(three jokes)

I wrote a joke.

Everything is backward in Hell, right?.

When we answer the phone, we say, “Hello.” Right?

What do they say when they answer the phone in hell?

“OH HELL”


Why do drunks always repeat themselves?

They want to be sure you heard what they said.



Here’s a joke without a punch line.

Why do homeless people always talk to themselves?


Thank you very much, Ladies and Gentlemen. Goodnight.



(END OF FIRST MONOLOG)